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Sickness is so Much Worse

stephaniemoorewrites

Last week we had our first stomach sickness in the family since Rory’s passing. A night of vomiting.

Luckily, it was me.

I can get a read on my pain. I can access if it feels like something more than food poisoning or stomach virus.

But even then…

I spent two days reliving.

Two days trying to calm my brain.

Two days pounding down anxiety.

When I awoke on the third day, feeling better, I thought it’d be an easier day.

I had two panic attacks before noon.

And I know my worries and concerns were not alone. I saw them in the eyes and heard it in the voice of Lance and the boys.

Life.

Everyday life.

Is quite debilitating.

A Memory- Sam’s Club Freeosk

stephaniemoorewrites

One of the places I feel Rory’s void the most is Sam’s Club.

I know, it’s weird! But we spent a strangely large amount of time there.

As soon as we’d walk in, she’d ask for my card and run to the Freeosk. It didn’t matter what was being given away that day, she was so excited to scan the card and have a sample fall down.

Though, she definitely preferred when fruit snacks or candies were the selection of the day.

I think about you and miss you every time I go to Sam’s Club. Love you, Baby Girl.

Choices and Decisions

stephaniemoorewrites

That night. After Lance and I said goodbye to Rory in the ambulance. After we told and collected the boys from a neighbor’s house. We were in a car headed around the corner to my parent’s house.

Chiler was sitting next to me.

He said, “Mom, don’t check out. Don’t leave me.”

Those words stand guard to my choices and decisions.

Don’t check out.

Don’t leave.

Those two sentences told me a couple of things about my little 13 year old.

One, he understood the gravity of what had just happened.

Two, he was scared.

I can’t do anything about the first. Her death happened.

I can do something about the second, it’s in the choices and decisions I make daily.

I can’t change the past.

But I have power to affect the present and future.

I go through ranges of emotions every single day.

I’m angry!

This is unfair.

I hate my life.

Those statement enter my mind more times than I’d like to admit. But I get to decide how long they dwell.

Anger is potent and can easily take over. But I have guardians over my brain. I have words from a son that needs me.

I choose to stay with him. With them.

I choose hard talks, discussing the impossible.

I choose Easter baskets, to see the smile on their faces.

I choose vacations, to help them see the world.

I choose family dinners and movie nights.

I choose our new kind happiness over anger.

I won’t check out.

I won’t leave them.

The Rory from My Dream

stephaniemoorewrites

Yesterday I posted a drawing made for our family on Facebook.

It was commissioned by my parent’s friends from a congregation they previously attended.

My dad sent me a picture of it in a text.

Tears sprang to my eyes.

That was the Rory from my dream the night before.

In the drawing she looks slightly older than when she was my Rory. The chin line, the posture, her fingers a little longer, she looks just a little more grown up.

This is exactly how she looked in my dream.

I miss her.

I love her.

God is good.

Here’s the website of the artist that was commissioned:

http://www.jeankeatonart.com

Like We Used To

stephaniemoorewrites

I had a dream last night. Something that doesn’t happen often.

Rory was there. I recognized her but she felt a little older.

We pressed our foreheads together, touching our nose.

Beauty. Joy.

Then we pulled away. She ran her index finger down my nose and smiled.

She said, “Just like you used to.”

I stayed in that moment with her face glowing at mine.

Perfection.