Wish It Hadn’t Come to Me

Our family has been watching Lord of the Rings to prepare for a LOTR Trivial Pursuit showdown.

When we were watching Fellowship, a couple of lines stuck out to me this time.

Frodo says, “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”

Gandalf says, “So do all who live to see such times. But it is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

I feel that. I say that. I wish. I really, really wish this had never happened to me. I wish she had never gotten sick. I wish she was still cuddled by my side.

But I have no power. It wasn’t my decision.

The power I have, the decision I GET to make is what I do now and for the rest of my life.

I feel this tug quite a bit. This pull of a rope attached to my back. Inching me toward anger, confusion, and despair.

There are times the pull knocks me off my feet and drags me along.

If I’m being completely honest, sometimes it feels easier to let go and skid across the ground. To allow my head to be clouded and my heart to harden.

But it’s not what I want.

So I dig my heels in. I flex my muscles and I do whatever I can to not move that way.

Because the other side of those emotions are love, peace, and hope.

These emotions, though harder to reach at times, don’t drag me. They lift me. They don’t pull me along. They carry me.

When I clear my head and allow myself to be carried by love, I feel closer to Rory.

She was and is love.

When I let go of questions, my why’s, and allow peace into my life, I feel the Spirit. I know I’m not forgotten. I get a reassurance that I’m going to be with her again.

Allowing me to taste the peace she has found.

When I can let go of the despair that tugs at me, hope lives. Hope thrives. Heavenly Father is hope. Jesus Christ is hope. When I focus on them, I feel hope.

I feel hope for her.

For me.

For us.