The past month has been painful.
There have been triggers that I can point to that take up mental and emotional space. Which is already limited for me.
But I think a big part of it is: a settling in and a question.
In my mind this is what I’ve allowed myself to think:
Rory has moved on.
My baby girl passed away.
But I’ve expanded my verbiage to include:
My daughter is dead.
Those all mean the same thing. Different words. But words are important to me and I haven’t allowed myself to use that word much.
My daughter will never walk through my door again.
Done. That’s it.
It’s not a new thought! I’ve been living with it for one year, seven months, and nine days.
What I’ve been getting stuck on is this.
How do I live the rest of my life with my daughter being dead?
It feels endless. The pain. The waiting. The getting by. It’s endless.
How do I live a whole life with my boys when I’m broken with pieces missing?
People do it.
Bereaved moms have reached out to me. They’ve survived decades now without one of their children.
I just struggle to understand how I’m going to do it. My ultimate hope of being with her again is death.
That’s what I’m straddling. My life here with the boys is important. I want to be here! But the life I hope to find in Heaven with Rory is equally important. I want to be there!
I have one foot planted firmly here on earth, loving my family. And one foot ready to jump to the other side.
I’ve been trying to take a step back. To focus on today.
Give cuddles today.
Spend time today.
I can make it through today.
Then tomorrow I’ll start again.
I’ll put that on repeat.
Though, I’m broken and not the mom or wife or woman I once was, I love my boys and husband with all I have left.
I can’t foresee the struggle between the two worlds ever changing.
But I’m working to bring a little Heaven to earth.
To include Rory in my work from day to day. To serve and love with her and for her.
Jesus Christ is my Hope.
With that hope, I’ll make today count.
And every day I’m gifted after that.