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January

stephaniemoorewrites

January feels like the month that never ends.

But we’re here. We’ve made it to the last day. January 31st!

Can I get a halle-freaking-lujah?

The whole month is:

Cold.

The sun is out less.

The holidays are done and celebrated.

Christmas bills are coming due.

And for me. I have Rory’s birthday looming.

Where there used to be excitement.

There’s apprehension.

Where there used to be joy.

There’s anxiety.

I frame January with love and service trying to help push me through the month.

It works. It helps me. A lot.

But it doesn’t take away the fact that we’ll be celebrating her birthday without her in a few days.

Ugh. I miss her.

But I’m going to take this small accomplishment. I did it!

Goodbye messy, hard January. Until next next year.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

stephaniemoorewrites

From a very young age, we ask why.

It’s a question that gets asked over and over again.

I think it’s human nature. We want to find meaning. We want explanations.

When something painful, something horrible happens, we want meaning. We want purpose.

It can’t happen for nothing.

This pain.

This suffering.

There has to be a reason for it.

I’ve heard reasons for Rory’s passing. There are a lot of platitudes out there that try to give meaning.

But here’s the problem with all the reasons.

Rory is still gone.

Reasons can’t bring her back.

And that’s all I want.

I want my daughter.

But.

Resignation.

That’s not going to happen in this life.

I can’t answer why.

I don’t have reasons. (Other than a malfunctioning appendix.)

But.

I’m a woman of faith.

This is what I know.

This has been the answer to my life-long search.

That continues to be my answer.

I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.

Not having answers is painful.

But I feel God’s love for me.

My anxiety rises as the questions swirl.

I cling to the knowledge so tight, I know God loves me.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even know how I’m going to get through everyday.

But I do know that I have someone in my corner. Someone that cares for me. Someone that looks out for me. Someone that makes sure I’m not doing this all by myself.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

San Francisco

stephaniemoorewrites

We made a trip out to San Fransisco last weekend.

There were blue skies. In the warm 50’s. It was nice.

We stopped by Boudin bakery.

You can say, we’re a bread family.

As we were sitting there enjoying: sour dough, challah, Asiago cheese bread, and pain au chocolat, the boys agreed on one thing.

This is Heaven.

Except Rory was missing in our dough heaven.

So that day we each took a bite for our daughter and sister.

We agreed she would have liked the pain au chocolat and the challah bread.

They also spent time deciding if there will be bread in Heaven.

Conclusion: there will be!

God sent down manna from there, after all.

Remembering Her

stephaniemoorewrites

I want to thank everyone that has sent items for our animal shelter service project.

It’s significant to us.

It’s another loving reminder that,

Rory is remembered.

For what she loved.

For how she loved.

Thank you.

If you’d still like to participate, we’ll be collecting items until her birthday, February 6th.

Love you all.

Oh, how I miss this girl.

Where are your shoes?

stephaniemoorewrites

I think we can agree as moms that shoes are our nemesis.

The kids never know where they are. They take them off in different places. They thought they knew where they were. But then can’t remember where the shoes are when it’s time to go somewhere.

When I was packing up our master bedroom at the old house, I looked under our bed. I found a pair of Rory’s shoes.

Lost shoes.

I remember thinking at the time, this is the last time I’m going to find her shoes. They won’t be laying around our new house.

I hugged them to my body. Those little shoes. For my little girl. With her cute crooked toes.

Fast forward time, I walked into our closet and saw the box of decorations from Rory’s funeral service. Lots of pretty purple banners.

I lifted them out.

And there was a pair of Rory’s shoes. I’d forgotten about them. Lost.

I found Rory’s shoes one last time. In our new house.