The First and the Last

At our church the children, ages 3-11, participate in program where they sing and speak for the congregation.

It’s easily one of the favorite Sundays all year long for a lot people.

This year it was harder.

It was our first without Rory.

Our last one for any of our kids. Dax turns 12 in January.

The children’s leaders were very thoughtful, knowing it would be emotional for us.

Each of the kids wore a purple ribbon. And they placed flowers where, what would have been, Rory’s class sat. In memory of her. For love of her. And us.

I loved watching Dax sing his best. His loudest. He enjoys singing.

They sang a song I didn’t know, He Lives and He Loves Me.

“…

He lives and He loves me.

I will not forget who I am.

I will strive to remember His plan for me.

I will love.

I will serve in my time here on Earth.

And someday I will return to Him.

He will bless me and guide me.

He lives and He loves me.”

This song encompasses so much of my daily mantras.

He lives so Rory lives.

She’s happy.

God hasn’t forsaken you. He blesses you. He loves you. Keep going. People need you.

Love as Rory loved. She loved always and freely. Do the same.

Here is a link to the song:

https://youtu.be/IEy9AfOstAk

My Relationship with Grief Today

Grief is isolating.

We mourn with others.

We grieve alone.

The pain is the missing.

Her voice.

Her sweet smile.

Her laugh. Even the fake ones.

Her snuggles.

Her winks.

It’s in the quiet moments.

Those soul crushing quiet moments.

Banging on the steering wheel.

Pounding the bed.

Dropping to your knees, pain.

Curling up in the closet, crying.

Grappling with the could of’s and the should of’s.

That will never be.

Trying to find contentment.

Trying to be as whole as possible.

Never quite successful.

But I want to be.

I have hope.

Not always on the surface.

Not always accessible.

But there.

I have hope that I will see her again.

Because of Him.