A Move Right After Loss

I’ve had a lot of thoughts swirling about Rory’s death two years ago.

We’re approaching two years.

It’s like a different lifetime she was with us.

But also like I held her in my arms yesterday.

Time is weird.

We sold our house and bought a house three days before she died.

The house we were buying wasn’t in the area we were initially looking. And we kept saying but… And looking around again. And again.

In the end, we just kept being led to this community, this house.

Before we even moved, our Bishop contacted the Bishop of the church we were moving to across town.

With that call, we had people mourning with us, loving us, praying for us.

People that didn’t know us.

When we moved in, we were surrounded by love. Visits, hugs, baskets, dinners.

People we were meeting for the first time.

People that never had the opportunity to know our Rory.

They cried with us. They prayed with us. They held our hands through the hardest times in our lives.

Is this not the epitome of Christ-like love?

I’m so grateful my Heavenly Father knew what we were going to need.

He was aware of us.

He knew the love and patience we would need to be surrounded by.

He knew that we would need to love and serve ourselves.

He knew.

He knows.

He hasn’t forgotten us.

Not me.

Not you.

May you all feel surrounded by His love whether your life is shattered or it’s the happiest day of your life.

He loves each of us. Always.

Mother’s Day

This picture was taken by Mrs. Williams, her first grade teacher. She believed in Rory. She took this after Rory got a 100% on her final spelling test, correctly spelling all 175 words. Thank you, Natalie!

I believe strongly that it takes a village to raise kids.

As parents we do all we can for them.

But there are times they need people outside of us.

Grandma, aunts, cousins, neighbors, moms of friends, teachers, doctors, fellow church members, etc.

This group of people have made such a huge impact on my children.

I am eternally grateful for people that love my kids.

I’m grateful for people that reach out to them, that take time to get to know them.

Rory was in a unique situation that she got to know a lot of adults in her life. She had so many classroom parents that loved her. The school secretaries had a special relationship with her. Almost all of her teachers expressed how much they loved her.

I’m so grateful for the people that took the time to love her.

To all the women out there that love my kids.

Thank you.

I love you.

I need you.

Happy Mother’s Day.


I watched an uplifting show this morning. It talked about “champions.”

One of the stories was about a young man that was in an accident. He was very badly hurt. In a coma for weeks.

People prayed around the clock for him.

The family held onto their faith in God.

The boy miraculously awoke. Not without struggles, but he awoke.

These “champion” stories get forwarded on social media. They get talked about on television.

These are miraculous stories of people that have overcome.

I would NEVER want a different outcome for them. I cried tears of gratitude with those parents that got to hug their son again.

That isn’t our story.

Ours isn’t the easy story to forward on.

Our story is loss.

But our story isn’t without faith and miracles either.

It’s a miracle our house sold 3 days before Rory passed away. We would have been frozen with grief to make decisions. And we were still there surrounded by those that knew and loved her and us.

It’s a miracle we found the house we did. We weren’t even looking in the Lehi area for a long time. We were directed to this neighborhood, full of loving and compassionate people.

It was a miracle she passed away in my arms. With her illness, she could have passed away silently in her sleep. Instead, I got to love her and hold her until the moment she left this world.

It’s a miracle that our family functions. There have so many days and weeks when I haven’t had energy. When I have felt the weight so heavily on my shoulders. I couldn’t get by without the miraculous help of my Heavenly Father. The pain is too all encompassing.

These are not the miracles I would have wanted. I want my daughter with me.

I miss her.

I love her.

Ours isn’t a story for Rory to overcome. It’s the story for all the rest of us left behind to overcome.

And there have been miracles.

My Life is a Dichotomy

Xander has been taking a ballroom dancing class the last few months and Saturday he performed.

His class was one of the last to perform.

As the other classes performed, I just tried to stay in control.

The last recital I went to was Rory’s. She performed two Christmas numbers.

As these sweet little girls performed their little hearts out, I missed my Rory.

Then Xander got up. He pushed past his fear. He had learned a lot.

And he did an amazing job!

I bawled!

I was so dang proud of him.

It feels like my life will never be whole. It will always be torn.

In one moment I’m feeling happiness and pride in my son. While feeling sadness and longing for her.

I don’t know if that will change.

But I’m grateful for every memory of her.

I’m grateful for my life even though it still ends a lot with tears.