Tag: grief

Time is a Thief

stephaniemoorewrites

It’s often said that “time heals all wounds.”

I think most grieving people would say that heals is a strong word.

It’s an open wound. For the rest of my life.

But I’d also say that even time has mixed reviews.

As time passes it might be easier to get through the day to day. I’m sure it’s gotten easier. I can’t really recognize it as there are still a lot of sad days.

But time is also a big, fat thief!

Yes, big.

Yes, fat.

It eats memories.

It steals the way her hands once felt on mine.

It steals the exact way she laughed.

It steals away the exact way she used to skip across the field.

It eats remembrances.

As those memories begin to fade, the longer she’s away, the more I hate time.

I hate time because she’s not here.

I hate time because it just keeps going.

Why is it still going?

But I’m also grateful for it.

In the time since Rory passed my twins have grown taller than me.

They started high school.

They went to their first dance.

They take leadership roles in our family.

Since Rory’s passing, Dax turned 12 and was given the priesthood at our church.

Dax has competed in another season of gymnastics and learned more amazing skills.

He’s getting ready to graduate elementary school.

While time is taking memories of one, the other three keep growing, developing, and turning into amazing men.

I both love and hate time. All in one moment.

Talking About Rory

stephaniemoorewrites

One of the things people say to me is that they’re unsure if they should bring Rory up in a conversation.

I understand the hesitation. People don’t want to cause me more grief.

I love Rory.

I miss Rory.

For me, I want to talk about her. Share her love. Share her funny stories.

IF it comes up naturally, then please ask me, let me share a little something about her.

If you had a memory come to mind. If you dreamt about her. If you felt her to close. Please share that with me. It tells me that she’s remembered. It tells me that Rory is still around, loving those she loved in life.

Here’s the caveat. There’s a good chance I’m going to cry. Happy memories. Sad memories. Hard memories. Lovely memories.

Talking about her makes me happy but also makes me miss her.

So don’t be scared of my tears. Don’t think you caused me more grief.

The grief is always there.

But for a few minutes I got to think about, talk about, this amazing little girl.

That I miss.

That I love.

Facebook Memories

stephaniemoorewrites

As I was laying in a Las Vegas hotel room, this Facebook memory came up.

Two years ago.

In the same city.

Our lives were very different.

We had this small ceremony with just our family and Lance’s and my parents.

It was perfect for her.

Intimate.

Beautiful.

She was funny in that she wanted all the attention but also none of the attention.

She wanted full one-on-one attention but too many eyes on her or a stranger talking to her and she was hiding behind my leg.

I miss that silly smiling face.

That amazing girl.

I miss all those smiling faces.

Two years.

So much has changed.

The Lazarus Miracle

stephaniemoorewrites
Still taken from a beautiful bible video: https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/lazarus-is-raised-from-the-dead?lang=eng

When there’s loss, especially unexpected, I think Lazarus comes to mind.

The miracle.

Lazarus was dead for days but came back to life.

We want, and secretly hope for, a Lazarus miracle.

I’ve read those verses more times in the last year than all the rest of my life.

The verses have new meaning.

Jesus Christ is separated from Mary and Martha at the time of Lazarus’ death. He was out doing His Father’s work.

Four days after Lazarus’ passing, Jesus Christ arrived to visit their family.

Martha heard of His coming and ran out to meet Him. She said to Him:

“Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.”

Martha demonstrated beautiful faith. In response, Jesus Christ said:

“Thy brother shall rise again.”

Again, she exercises faith. She believes! And went and to get Mary as instructed

When Mary saw Jesus Christ, she fell to His feet and cried. Repeating the words that Martha had said to Him:

“Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.”

Seeing Mary and Martha in their grief, mourning, the scriptures say that Christ “groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.”

The women take Christ to the tomb. There, “Jesus wept.”

Jesus Christ knew why He was there. He was there to raise Lazarus from the dead.

Not only did Christ have a perfect eternal perspective, He knew that in minutes Lazarus would be with them again. Breathing. Alive.

In those moments He didn’t entice Mary and Martha to have an eternal view. He didn’t say to just wait a minute and things will get better.

He cried with them.

He talked with them.

He mourned with them.

He loved them.

It’s okay to be sad in our trials.

Jesus Christ was.

It’s okay to mourn when loved ones die.

Jesus Christ did.

It’s important to be there for others when they need you.

Jesus Christ was.

It’s important to have faith in Christ, like Mary and Martha. Like them, it’s important to find hope in Him.

And like Jesus Christ, it’s important lift up our eyes in all circumstances. To talk to the Father.

“Father, I thank thee that thou hadst heard me.”

The Father hears us.

In our anger and frustration. In our despair and grief. And our moments of absolute joy.

He is there for us.

He loves us.

Always.

**These references come from the King James Version of the Bible. John, Chapter 11.

What Started It All

stephaniemoorewrites

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all.

I thought it be fun to share the beginnings of our family. And since I’m writing it, it’s my side of the story. Haha!

Lance and I were up at Northern Arizona University in the Fall of 1999. He was starting his masters in mathematics and I was a freshman.

We met at a pick up volleyball game one night. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight for either of us. But when we’d go to our church building in the weeks to come, we’d bump into each other quite a bit.

Our true romance happened at the math building. We’re nerds!

I had an early morning class and Lance taught an early morning class. Not the same class! After my class I’d sit in the foyer and wait for my roommate to finish up her class. Lance and I would sit and talk everyday day that I was there.

It wasn’t long until we were on our first date. We went repelling as a little group. After we were done he said let’s go see a movie tonight.

And that was it.

There hasn’t been a day since that we haven’t talked to each other.

We met in August, got engaged in October, and got married January 7th.

It was a whirlwind.

Now, we’re 19 years into our romance.

We’re not quite the youngens from the pictures above anymore.

Sometimes when I look at pictures like these I think, oh guys, you have no idea what’s coming.

Love, happiness.

Grief, pain.

If you didn’t have one set, you wouldn’t understand or appreciate the other.

When we got married, we didn’t have a song. So we told the DJ just go ahead and pick one for us. Surprise us!

Big mistake. It was an awful Whitney Houston song. (Yeah, I didn’t know one of those existed either.)

A couple years later, we did decide on our song. Fools Rush In by Elvis Presley.

“Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Share love today. Give big hugs. Tell those close to you that you love them.

Today, doesn’t just have to be about chocolates and flowers.

Make it about loving those around you.

But chocolate never hurts.

Love you all! *big virtual hugs*