Tag: miss her

Hitting Double Digits (Birthday Part One)

stephaniemoorewrites

Tomorrow is Rory’s birthday. But I want to celebrate and love tomorrow. Today, I want to scream and cry.

If Rory was still here I probably would have written:

And just like this, my baby girl is 10.

My baby has hit the double digits. I can’t believe it!

I probably would have commented on all the growth she had this year.

How she’s made so many new friends.

I’d probably have commented on how fast time goes by.

About what an incredible young woman she’s becoming. How proud I am of her.

I hate that I don’t get to say these things.

That I miss out on so much with her.

I just want to scream today.

I miss her!

I want her!

It’s not fair she’s not here!

But mostly, I want to tell my girl:

I think about you everyday.

I listen for you.

I search for you.

I try to share love like you would have.

I love you, my sweet baby girl.

Forever.

And ever.

January

stephaniemoorewrites

January feels like the month that never ends.

But we’re here. We’ve made it to the last day. January 31st!

Can I get a halle-freaking-lujah?

The whole month is:

Cold.

The sun is out less.

The holidays are done and celebrated.

Christmas bills are coming due.

And for me. I have Rory’s birthday looming.

Where there used to be excitement.

There’s apprehension.

Where there used to be joy.

There’s anxiety.

I frame January with love and service trying to help push me through the month.

It works. It helps me. A lot.

But it doesn’t take away the fact that we’ll be celebrating her birthday without her in a few days.

Ugh. I miss her.

But I’m going to take this small accomplishment. I did it!

Goodbye messy, hard January. Until next next year.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

stephaniemoorewrites

From a very young age, we ask why.

It’s a question that gets asked over and over again.

I think it’s human nature. We want to find meaning. We want explanations.

When something painful, something horrible happens, we want meaning. We want purpose.

It can’t happen for nothing.

This pain.

This suffering.

There has to be a reason for it.

I’ve heard reasons for Rory’s passing. There are a lot of platitudes out there that try to give meaning.

But here’s the problem with all the reasons.

Rory is still gone.

Reasons can’t bring her back.

And that’s all I want.

I want my daughter.

But.

Resignation.

That’s not going to happen in this life.

I can’t answer why.

I don’t have reasons. (Other than a malfunctioning appendix.)

But.

I’m a woman of faith.

This is what I know.

This has been the answer to my life-long search.

That continues to be my answer.

I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.

Not having answers is painful.

But I feel God’s love for me.

My anxiety rises as the questions swirl.

I cling to the knowledge so tight, I know God loves me.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even know how I’m going to get through everyday.

But I do know that I have someone in my corner. Someone that cares for me. Someone that looks out for me. Someone that makes sure I’m not doing this all by myself.

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

San Francisco

stephaniemoorewrites

We made a trip out to San Fransisco last weekend.

There were blue skies. In the warm 50’s. It was nice.

We stopped by Boudin bakery.

You can say, we’re a bread family.

As we were sitting there enjoying: sour dough, challah, Asiago cheese bread, and pain au chocolat, the boys agreed on one thing.

This is Heaven.

Except Rory was missing in our dough heaven.

So that day we each took a bite for our daughter and sister.

We agreed she would have liked the pain au chocolat and the challah bread.

They also spent time deciding if there will be bread in Heaven.

Conclusion: there will be!

God sent down manna from there, after all.

Remembering Her

stephaniemoorewrites

I want to thank everyone that has sent items for our animal shelter service project.

It’s significant to us.

It’s another loving reminder that,

Rory is remembered.

For what she loved.

For how she loved.

Thank you.

If you’d still like to participate, we’ll be collecting items until her birthday, February 6th.

Love you all.

Oh, how I miss this girl.