Author: stephaniemoorewrites

Finding Hope

stephaniemoorewrites
My hope. My heart. My lovie dovie.

November, December, and January are hard months to get through since Rory’s passing.

But last December was extra painful with the unexpected death of my brother-in-law, Saul.

I haven’t posted on my blog.

I have drafts but nothing published.

Here’s my problem: I want everything I write to end with hope.

Life is hard, but there’s still hope.

Emotions are high, but they won’t always be.

January feels never ending, but it will, in fact, end within ten days.

But I haven’t felt very hopeful.

I’ve felt empty.

Incapable.

And tired.

On the flip side:

I haven’t felt alone.

I’ve had enough energy to accomplish everything I needed to and wanted to accomplish. Even when sleep evaded me.

And I’ve been inspired. I sent off a rewrite to my agent this month. I felt inspired daily on how to help my boys and on what I need to do.

These feelings contradict the ones I listed first. They seem incapable of coexisting.

But they have.

And that’s Grace.

That’s the hope I’ve been struggling to find.

As I do everything I can, Christ lifts, inspires, and carries me through the rest.

As I find my way through the myriad of emotions that resurfaced last month, He’s guiding me and giving me room to recover.

As I feel broken, He’s making me whole.

And I’m not done yet. Two more weeks until her birthday.

I can do this.

Because of Him.

Life is Pain

stephaniemoorewrites

A quote from The Princess Bride has been batting around my head the last few days.

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

I feel this way lately.

Life is painful.

Too hard!

Then guilt sets in. I need to be more grateful. I need to focus on hope. I need to be optimistic.

I invalidate my right to be sad or mad at what’s going on in life.

I went back to the movie and thought about when this quote is said.

Wesley says this when he was the Dread Pirate Roberts.

After staving off death on a pirate ship, he came back to the mainland to find his betrothed, Buttercup, engaged to another.

And that guy’s paying to have her murdered!

And then he’s inches from Buttercup and she doesn’t recognize him.

He had a right to feel that way about life. It was crappy!

But here’s the thing about Wesley, he never does nothing.

His ship gets captured by pirates. He pleads for his life exclaiming true love. Then proceeds to learn swordsmanship, to gain knowledge, and inoculate himself to poison.

When he discovers the plot on Buttercup’s life, he doesn’t leave her to her doom. He rescues her in his pain.

He keeps putting one foot in front of the other until the end.

There, he gets to ride off with Buttercup on beautiful white horses.

He wouldn’t say life is pain in that moment I don’t think. His life carried more hope and promise then.

I think that’s true in all of our lives.

There are times when I think it’s okay for us to think, “Life is pain”. Because it can be!

What I think is important is that we keep walking. We keep learning. We keep loving.

Moments of hope will come as we step.

Optimism will seep into us as we strive.

Life might be pain right now.

But that doesn’t mean it always will be.

Loss Can Happen So Quickly

stephaniemoorewrites

My thoughts have been on the New Zealand volcano eruption.

Most of the deceased were on a cruise.

They’d saved up their money.

Excitedly told their family about the new adventure they would be going on.

Hopefully they hugged their loved ones. Then probably told them, “See you in 12 days.”

While cruising, they embarked on a tour, to see something new, to see a volcano.

And life will never be the same for any of them.

Or for their loved ones.

My heart breaks for their families.

Life can change so quickly.

It can go from high to low in ten beats of the heart.

Part of me wants to hold onto my men and huddle in a shelter.

But we know too well that loss can happen when you’re sitting at the feet of a loved one, watching and caring for her.

Lance and I will be on that boat, on that cruise, in 80 days.

Part of me is ready to hand in my ticket.

I can’t go!

Look at that loss!

What about my boys?

So, what do I do?

All I can think of is to take every moment I can and make it count.

Lance and I will be celebrating 20 years of marriage. And we made BIG plans.

We’re traveling to destinations we’ve dreamed about visiting together. And making it happen.

I don’t want to live in fear.

I want to live.

But I promise we will not be visiting any volcanoes.

Long Days, Short Years

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve been really missing Rory lately.

There will be moments that I’m okay.

Then the next moment a memory will come to me and I have to do everything in my power to not completely breakdown.

It’s reoccurring.

And reoccurring.

I think the adage for toddlers is true for grief.

“The days are long but the years are short.”

The minutes of the day can drag. It’s exhausting to miss someone. To yearn for them. To search for peace. To search for joy.

But by the end of November 13th, we’d survived two years without her.

There were so many days where I thought the grief might win.

When I thought I couldn’t do it anymore and wished I could curl up in my bed and disappear.

Those days are long.

But it’s been two years now.

The twins have out grown me.

Dax’s feet are bigger than mine.

The twins are driving.

They’re liking girls.

Two years.

They go by fast.

So much changes.

But the days have felt pretty long.

Missing her.

Chocolate Milk and Regrets

stephaniemoorewrites

Rory loved chocolate milk.

She wanted to drink it so often we bought Nesquik mix so she would have extra vitamins and minerals.

The day she died she asked me for chocolate milk.

Is there a worse thing for someone who’s throwing up to drink???

I said, “The second you’re better I will get you chocolate milk. The real kind from the store.”

Ugh.

I wish I would’ve given her the chocolate milk.

I’m so sad she missed the opportunity to have one last sip of the drink she loved so much.

If I could give people advise from this new life, one would definitely be to live as closely as you can to no regrets.

It was something I learned my first semester at college and I took it to heart. I wasn’t perfect. I’ve made lots mistakes, but I try so hard to live with no regrets.

Tomorrow isn’t promised.

Take the opportunities that speak to you.

Make time for love.

Watch a show you might not like if it means you get to spend a couple more hours with your loved one.

Don’t wait to make the perfect batch of cookies when you feel like you need to visit someone. Just go.

Tell people you love them. Frequently.

Give compliments freely.

Whether we live to 80 or 8, life is too short.

Spread all the love you can.

With no regrets.