Loss Can Happen So Quickly

My thoughts have been on the New Zealand volcano eruption.

Most of the deceased were on a cruise.

They’d saved up their money.

Excitedly told their family about the new adventure they would be going on.

Hopefully they hugged their loved ones. Then probably told them, “See you in 12 days.”

While cruising, they embarked on a tour, to see something new, to see a volcano.

And life will never be the same for any of them.

Or for their loved ones.

My heart breaks for their families.

Life can change so quickly.

It can go from high to low in ten beats of the heart.

Part of me wants to hold onto my men and huddle in a shelter.

But we know too well that loss can happen when you’re sitting at the feet of a loved one, watching and caring for her.

Lance and I will be on that boat, on that cruise, in 80 days.

Part of me is ready to hand in my ticket.

I can’t go!

Look at that loss!

What about my boys?

So, what do I do?

All I can think of is to take every moment I can and make it count.

Lance and I will be celebrating 20 years of marriage. And we made BIG plans.

We’re traveling to destinations we’ve dreamed about visiting together. And making it happen.

I don’t want to live in fear.

I want to live.

But I promise we will not be visiting any volcanoes.

Finding Joy in Hard Times

One of my goals is to continue to have good times in our sorrow. I want the boys to feel like they’ve lived. I don’t want Lance and I to just get by for the rest of our lives.

I have mixed feelings with joy. But not in the way many think I do.

I don’t have guilt.

I have sadness.

Happiness isn’t what it once was.

It’s scarce.

It’s fleeting.

Lance and I are on our way back from a Southern Caribbean cruise.

We love to travel! It fills our buckets.

We had many new and amazing experiences.

We zip lined for the first time.

We snorkeled with turtles.

We drove through rainforests.

But this time also felt different.

I felt the separation from the boys more acutely. I knew they were having tons of fun with my parents. But anxiety tugged at me more than it has in the past.

And there were a couple of times I’ve imagined Rory being there when I got home.

We took a similar trip last year.

She was there when we got back.

I know she’s not going to be. But it was a nice thought for a moment.

Anxiety with fun.

Grief with joy.

I think the rest of my life will be emotional contradictions.

A Cruise Memory

I’ve missed Rory so much the last couple of day, I need to share a memory.

In May 2016 we went on a two week transatlantic cruise with our kids. It was amazing! We got to spend a lot of quality time together that’s beyond priceless now.

One of Rory’s favorite things to do was stand by the buttons in the elevator and ask people, “What floor?”

One time she came back from kids club with the boys and she had a dollar bill.

She was in the elevator pushing buttons for people and someone gave her a tip.

She was the cutest bellhop.