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A Little Inside Out

stephaniemoorewrites

Emotional energy is very real thing. And it’s not unlimited.

When I start a day I think of what I’m going to need to do. What’s going to be hard? What am I going to have to prepare myself for?

The little things require more effort than they used to, so I have to gear up for even the simplest of events.

Going to Sam’s Club

Taking the boys places

Cooking dinner. I hate cooking dinner right now!

Going to church

Making treats

All of it. Even things that I enjoy.

Emotions are beautiful. But each one carries a weight.

Grief

Anger

Fear

Make it so worth it when you feel

Joy

Peace and

Love.

Let It Be

stephaniemoorewrites

During a recent Carpool Karaoke, James Corden rode with Paul McCartney. It was my favorite carpool yet.

First, I grew up listening to their music. If it wasn’t The Beatles, it was The Who. If it was Elton John, it was America. Seriously, I dragged a couple of my friends to the Ostrich Festival in the Phoenix area and we rocked out to America. Well, I rocked out to America. So, The Beatles are important to me.

I’ve always liked Let It Be but never knew the story behind it until I watched this episode. Paul was having a hard time, there was a lot of uncertainty in his life. And drugs. He went to sleep one hard night and his mother (who passed away when he was 14) came to him in a dream. She assured him that everything was going to be okay soon and to let it be.

Tears were streaming down my face as I heard this. I’ve had experiences where I’ve felt Rory letting me know that she’s okay. She’s happy. She’s not alone.

But here’s the thing.

I want her here.

I want to hug her.

I want to love her.

I want to hear her fake laugh.

I want to see her smile.

I want to hear her say, “Tickle me” or “Cuddles”.

I want her to wake me up and crawl into my bed.

I want to see her wink.

I want to see her skip across the room.

“For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer

Let it be”

I’m still in the night, but I have her assuring me. There will be answer. Let it be.

(Here’s a link to the carpool karaoke: https://youtu.be/QjvzCTqkBDQ)

Our Honda Odyssey

stephaniemoorewrites

As we were prepping to have twins we decided we were going to get a minivan. A beautiful Honda Odyssey. I wanted automatic sliding doors so I could open them before I approached with my arms full of car seats.

We bought our van five months before the twins were born. We were excited!

All of our kids were brought home from the hospital in our van.

All our family vacations have been in this van.

To and from appointments, school, friends’ houses, stores, etc.

This van is part of our family.

But it’s 14 years old with over 230,000 miles.

She’s still running well, but there’s this sick feeling now. How much longer?

8 months ago I was excited about the prospect of getting a new van.

But that was when my family was whole.

Now, I have this fear.

If I get a new van, will I still feel Rory around me as I drive?

The New Me

stephaniemoorewrites

There are going to be some themes that will carry between multiple blog posts. This is one of them.

I’m a different person.

My emotions are heighten. Any given time, any given day. They’re high.

Before, if you measured my emotions on a yard stick, they’d probably be around the foot mark. Toward the middle. My emotions could heighten but I’d still have a good two feet before I was ready to lose it.

It’s not like that anymore.

Especially on harder days.

I cry easily.

Get frustrated easier.

Sometimes I think, “Do they not know what’s going on in my head?”

They don’t.

No one does. And it’s not an expectation I really have.

I try and take more breaths before I react. Try to have more patience than I’m really feeling. Try to keep my crap together until I get to my van.

I don’t love this new part of me. But I’m hoping time will bring more self control.

A Memory

stephaniemoorewrites

A couple of weeks before Rory passed.

We were on our way home from school. At that point it was a 40 minute drive.

I glanced back and Rory had this peaceful smile on her face.

Every time I looked back, the same smile.

I wondered what she was thinking so I said her name.

Her head turned, the smile remained.

I didn’t disrupt her again. But watched her beautiful smile the whole way home.