The Lion King

We went to see The Lion King on Tuesday and it was like I was 12 again, seeing it with new eyes.

Eyes of my new life.

There were a few moments that stood out to me this time around. But none more than when Rafiki finds Simba again.

Rafiki tells Simba that Mufasa, his father, was alive. He tells Simba to follow him. They race through the oasis until they come to the water’s edge.

Simba stares down at a reflection of himself. He’s disappointed. He wants to be with his father again.

Then Rafiki tells him, “Look harder… you see, he lives in you.”

It made me wonder, as I look into the mirror, who else is staring back at me?

My Grammy was so smart. She was such a vivacious reader.

Does that part of her shine out of me?

My Grandma battled so many physical ailments without complaint and fought for her ability to stay on this earth. She was strong.

Does that part of her shine out of me?

My Grandpa knew what he wanted and asked for it. He was assertive.

Does that part of him shine out of me?

My Granny was a caretaker. She took care of all those that came into her life.

Does that part of her shine out of me?

My Grandma Smiley has the most amazing laugh. It was a high-pitched giggle. She spread joy wherever she went.

Does that part of her shine out of me?

My Rory. She loved widely and had an optimistic outlook on life. Even when life wasn’t easy.

Does that part of her shine out of me?

I don’t look in the mirror and see all those characteristics in myself. But it does give me something to work toward.

Amazing people that left before me.

I hope part of them lives inside of me.

Finding Joy in Hard Times

One of my goals is to continue to have good times in our sorrow. I want the boys to feel like they’ve lived. I don’t want Lance and I to just get by for the rest of our lives.

I have mixed feelings with joy. But not in the way many think I do.

I don’t have guilt.

I have sadness.

Happiness isn’t what it once was.

It’s scarce.

It’s fleeting.

Lance and I are on our way back from a Southern Caribbean cruise.

We love to travel! It fills our buckets.

We had many new and amazing experiences.

We zip lined for the first time.

We snorkeled with turtles.

We drove through rainforests.

But this time also felt different.

I felt the separation from the boys more acutely. I knew they were having tons of fun with my parents. But anxiety tugged at me more than it has in the past.

And there were a couple of times I’ve imagined Rory being there when I got home.

We took a similar trip last year.

She was there when we got back.

I know she’s not going to be. But it was a nice thought for a moment.

Anxiety with fun.

Grief with joy.

I think the rest of my life will be emotional contradictions.

The Decision to do Online Homeschool

There were a number of factors that lead to our family doing online homeschool. It’s definitely not something that I’d thought much about before.

But, right now, it felt right.

The twins are freshman this year. Freshman!

I have four more years. That’s it! Then it’s college, mission, marriage, their own families.

I have four more years until they’re out of the house, doing their own things.

And I want that for them.

But I also want my four years.

I want to vacation when we want to.

I want to eat lunch together everyday.

I want to have scripture study with them in the mornings.

I want to cook with them.

I like them.

I love them.

I want my time with them.

Here are our back to school photos for 2018-2019:

No Big Decisions

They say not to make big decisions the first year after a tragedy. It could lead to emotional and sometimes non rational, bad choices.

In my everyday life, I run things by Lance all the time. Am I overreacting? I have a hard time trusting my feelings. And other times Lance asks to read emails before I send them. 😂

In terms of our life, I’d say that more things are different than are the same. We’ve had to keep adapting. We still have hurdles that are in our path and we have to decide how to handle them.

The problem with the no big decisions after a tragedy idea is that the event fundamentally changes you.

Rory’s passing changed my emotions.

It changed my family dynamic.

My thoughts.

My plans for the future.

And my plans for right now.

We just keeping crawling over the hurdles, these big decisions, we find in our path. Then fall down on the other side.

But we’re making it over them. I hope.

Big decision for the Moore Family this week: the boys are switching schools.

New Van

I told Lance on July 3rd, “If I ever say that we should get a new van, we need to go get it.” Because one minute I’ll be ready for a new van. The next I’m hyperventilating.

So on the morning of July 4th, we were out getting sodas and I said, “Let’s get a new van.”

Lance practically drove straight there. We’ve been talking for a couple of years about what our next van would be so while it was kind of an impulse buy. It totally wasn’t.

So here’s our new Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid. It’s a pretty blue and way fancy.

We couldn’t quite get rid of our old van though. She’s part of the family. The twins will learn to drive with her in a year.

Side note story:

When we were in the Chrysler dealership there was this beautiful purple Jeep. Rory’s dream car! Sitting right show room!

I think it’s easy to see signs in things when you’re hoping for them. Other times it just seems too coincidental. What are the chances there would be a purple Jeep in the showroom?!?