Tag: emotions

Memory- No Crying

stephaniemoorewrites

Rory was very sympathetic. Maybe even empathetic.

She did not like for others to be sad.

She played with anyone and everyone on the playground.

When people were sad, she freely gave hugs.

When I would cry she would hold my face in her hands and wipe my tears. Then ask me if I was okay.

I guarantee I wasn’t only one that received that blessing.

She would’ve hated the last 9 1/2 months as I’ve cried everyday.

She would not have liked to see me this way.

I’m trying.

I’m doing.

I’m loving.

Like you did, sweet baby girl.

Life Sucks

stephaniemoorewrites

The last couple of weeks have been “life sucks” weeks.

Okay. It’s probably the last eight months. But like I said before, some days, some weeks, are worse than others.

So these have been worse weeks.

We have this huge hole, this huge sadness in our lives. Everything else should just fall into place, right? Right?

Nope.

There’s still crappiness.

Big decisions still have to be made.

Life doesn’t stop. It just keeps coming.

I take deep breaths and just try to roll with it.

But there are days that I’m hitting my steering wheel in anger.

And some that I’m curled up in my closet in tears.

This is what I hate.

Each of the boys have, in different ways, asked me if I’m sad the last few days.

I hate that.

I don’t want the boys to think of me as a sad mom.

I didn’t used to be.

I hate that it takes so much energy for me to be “normal.”

I hate that this is my life. Their life.

Eight Months

stephaniemoorewrites

Time is weird.

I remember thinking in hours. Then days. Now months.

Eight of them.

Rory has been gone eight months today.

There are times I still count her to get tickets.

There are times I actually think she’s going to come around a corner.

Then there are times that being with her was a different life entirely.

Man, eight months.

I miss her.

Every minute.

Every hour.

Every day.

Every month.

Traditions

stephaniemoorewrites

I was asked a few times, “So what do you guys do for the 4th?”

Any kind of question like that right now is just impossible.

I don’t know.

I don’t want to do traditions any longer. There’s a key player that’s missing right now. How can we be happy doing the same thing we usually do?

But how do I also keep some normalcy for the boys?

That’s my tightrope walk.

Yesterday we grilled.

We hung out with my parents and new friends.

Set off small fireworks.

And we bought a new van. (Pictures coming soon!)

New traditions.

Mixed with old traditions.

And I had no full blown panic attack yesterday.

I consider that a success.

A Little Inside Out

stephaniemoorewrites

Emotional energy is very real thing. And it’s not unlimited.

When I start a day I think of what I’m going to need to do. What’s going to be hard? What am I going to have to prepare myself for?

The little things require more effort than they used to, so I have to gear up for even the simplest of events.

Going to Sam’s Club

Taking the boys places

Cooking dinner. I hate cooking dinner right now!

Going to church

Making treats

All of it. Even things that I enjoy.

Emotions are beautiful. But each one carries a weight.

Grief

Anger

Fear

Make it so worth it when you feel

Joy

Peace and

Love.