Tag: extreme grief

Bracing For Impact

stephaniemoorewrites

I feel like I’m in a car.

The rain is turning to snow. My limbs are cold, a bit numb.

I don’t know the destination, but I have my family in there with me.

As I go to make a turn, my tires slide. I turn into the slide. And I spin. And spin.

Then I see it. Five feet ahead, there’s a wall.

I take one last glance around at each face then I grip the steering wheel.

Bracing for impact.

That’s where I’m at right now.

Bracing for impact.

I’m staring down the year mark. One year without my baby girl.

One year without her hugs.

One year without her laughs.

One year without her cuddles.

One year of holidays without her.

One more first holiday without her left. Halloween.

The tears are coming quicker.

My heart pounds harder, faster.

The breakdowns are increasing.

I’m in a tailspin.

Holding on.

And holding on.

Trying to prepare for what’s coming.

Memory- Doing Hard Things

stephaniemoorewrites

Ugh. This past week has been… painful. A week of doing hard things.

Rory knew doing hard things.

We walked into one of Rory’s karate belt promotions and there were so many people.

She immediately clang onto the back of my pants, hiding.

I squatted down. My eyes connected with her teary ones.

I reassured her. Told her she’s amazing and can do anything. I told my little ninja daughter that she can do hard things and does everyday.

Now, I repeated those words to myself. To my family and loved ones.

She’s happy. At peace.

It’s us. It’s our turn to do hard things.

Joy and Grief

stephaniemoorewrites

Pendulum

I’ve heard this concept explained in a few different ways but my favorite is the visual of the pendulum.

On one side there’s extreme joy.

On the other extreme grief.

Then in between are various levels of grief and joy.

When one experiences great joy with a person, when that person is gone, great grief is felt.

I experienced extreme joy with Rory. Which then leaves me with extreme grief.

Would I be willing to give up the joy I had with her to now lessen the pain I’m in?

Would I give up the daily kisses and hugs that made me feel special?

Would I give up the hilarity of watching her try out new dance moves?

Would I give up the comfort of her morning cuddles?

Would I give up the extreme pride I felt when I watched her conquer her anxiety?

Would I give up the funny faces she would make with me at church?

Would I give up making her my buddy for those years? Taking her everywhere?

Each of those make the pendulum tip a little higher.

That girl.

She brought extreme joy to our lives. Her absence has left extreme grief.

But I’ll take the grief.

I’ll live with it for the rest of my life. Because it meant that she was part of it.

Part of me.