Tag: God is good

Choices and Decisions

stephaniemoorewrites

That night. After Lance and I said goodbye to Rory in the ambulance. After we told and collected the boys from a neighbor’s house. We were in a car headed around the corner to my parent’s house.

Chiler was sitting next to me.

He said, “Mom, don’t check out. Don’t leave me.”

Those words stand guard to my choices and decisions.

Don’t check out.

Don’t leave.

Those two sentences told me a couple of things about my little 13 year old.

One, he understood the gravity of what had just happened.

Two, he was scared.

I can’t do anything about the first. Her death happened.

I can do something about the second, it’s in the choices and decisions I make daily.

I can’t change the past.

But I have power to affect the present and future.

I go through ranges of emotions every single day.

I’m angry!

This is unfair.

I hate my life.

Those statement enter my mind more times than I’d like to admit. But I get to decide how long they dwell.

Anger is potent and can easily take over. But I have guardians over my brain. I have words from a son that needs me.

I choose to stay with him. With them.

I choose hard talks, discussing the impossible.

I choose Easter baskets, to see the smile on their faces.

I choose vacations, to help them see the world.

I choose family dinners and movie nights.

I choose our new kind happiness over anger.

I won’t check out.

I won’t leave them.

The Rory from My Dream

stephaniemoorewrites

Yesterday I posted a drawing made for our family on Facebook.

It was commissioned by my parent’s friends from a congregation they previously attended.

My dad sent me a picture of it in a text.

Tears sprang to my eyes.

That was the Rory from my dream the night before.

In the drawing she looks slightly older than when she was my Rory. The chin line, the posture, her fingers a little longer, she looks just a little more grown up.

This is exactly how she looked in my dream.

I miss her.

I love her.

God is good.

Here’s the website of the artist that was commissioned:

http://www.jeankeatonart.com

The Decision to do Online Homeschool

stephaniemoorewrites

There were a number of factors that lead to our family doing online homeschool. It’s definitely not something that I’d thought much about before.

But, right now, it felt right.

The twins are freshman this year. Freshman!

I have four more years. That’s it! Then it’s college, mission, marriage, their own families.

I have four more years until they’re out of the house, doing their own things.

And I want that for them.

But I also want my four years.

I want to vacation when we want to.

I want to eat lunch together everyday.

I want to have scripture study with them in the mornings.

I want to cook with them.

I like them.

I love them.

I want my time with them.

Here are our back to school photos for 2018-2019:

My Relationship with Grief Today

stephaniemoorewrites

Grief is isolating.

We mourn with others.

We grieve alone.

The pain is the missing.

Her voice.

Her sweet smile.

Her laugh. Even the fake ones.

Her snuggles.

Her winks.

It’s in the quiet moments.

Those soul crushing quiet moments.

Banging on the steering wheel.

Pounding the bed.

Dropping to your knees, pain.

Curling up in the closet, crying.

Grappling with the could of’s and the should of’s.

That will never be.

Trying to find contentment.

Trying to be as whole as possible.

Never quite successful.

But I want to be.

I have hope.

Not always on the surface.

Not always accessible.

But there.

I have hope that I will see her again.

Because of Him.

Our Triplets

stephaniemoorewrites

When Lance would try to confuse people, he’d tell them that Chiler, Xander, and Rory were triplets.

People would look at them with furrowed brows.

Technically, they are triplets.

They were conceived at the same time.

We struggled for many years to have kids. We had IVF with to have the twins. Embryos kept splitting. On the day the twins were implanted, the doctors picked the best two. Then they let the rest of the embryos continue splitting until zygote stage.

Two zygotes were good and healthy and we froze them.

One was our Rory.

We worked hard to get those boys and that girl here.

I’ll be forever grateful for medical miracles. I’m so grateful for my boys. For my girl.

In case you’re wondering, we call Dax our love child. Only one naturally conceived. A different kind of miracle.