Tag: God

From Missing to Moana

stephaniemoorewrites

We went on a Dolphin/Turtle Excursion a couple of days ago in Hawaii.

We were so excited!! A new adventure for the boys!

As the boat took off, my thoughts turned to Rory.

My breathing accelerated.

Tears were prickling my eyes.

But I didn’t want to miss this moment with my family.

I wanted to stay in control.

I didn’t want them to worry about me.

I started praying.

Help me.

Help me feel her.

Help me know she’s around us.

Help me know she’s here.

Send her to us.

Please.

I miss her.

I miss her so much.

I took a deep breath.

In my mind I could see her next to me. Her hand on mine.

Then Moana came on the boat’s stereo. Not the whole song just a couple stanzas.

The movie that was on repeat before she died.

“The line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know, how far I’ll go”

The line between Heaven and Earth.

It calls to me.

I’m grateful it blurs somedays.

Being a Bit Clingy

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve become quite clingy. There are things in my life that I just to to hold onto for dear life now.

My husband.

My boys.

Memories.

Pictures.

Family.

And faith.

If I were to say my faith hasn’t stumbled, that would be a lie.

How could I not question? My daughter is gone. For the rest of my life.

But at times when the questions become overwhelming, I hold onto the things I know.

I don’t understand why Rory isn’t here. It’s not fair! It isn’t!

I cling to my faith that I’m going to see her again.

Life sucks! It’s so hard living without her.

I cling to my faith that I’m not going through this alone, that I have a loving brother, Jesus Christ, who knows my pain.

I understand that I won’t have all the answers.

The best I can do is hold on to those I love, trust in what I believe, and share as much love as I possibly can.

It’s not the life I thought I’d have but it’s the life I’m living.

And I believe Rory’s going to be right by my side.

I Arise

stephaniemoorewrites

I looked up the history of St. Patrick today. I wanted to learn more about the man we celebrate every year.

Among the things I learned, I ran across St. Patrick’s Breastplate. It’s a prayer. A beautiful prayer.

I love that it’s called a breastplate. The idea that our prayers are armor for us.

In the prayer, he repeats, “I arise today…”

Those words are poignant to me.

There are days that staying bed seems easier.

That getting out and facing the pain seems like too much.

But, I arise.

Everyday.

I arise.

And in the breastplate prayer, he details the ways he is given help.

“I arise today, through
The strength of heaven,
The light of the sun,
The radiance of the moon,
The splendor of fire,
The speed of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of the sea,
The stability of the earth,
The firmness of rock.

I arise today, through
God’s strength to pilot me,
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s shield to protect me.”

I have felt that.

I have felt my prayers and the prayers of others lift me. Guide me. Get me through days that were too painful to get through.

I’ve been inspired on how to help my boys.

I’m grateful that even during the times of my deepest despair, I have never felt utterly and completely alone.

Prayers and armor.

I think the two go hand in hand.

Assurances

stephaniemoorewrites

I went to Time Out of Women, an inspirational women’s conference, a couple of weeks ago. Michelle Schmidt was there. She is the wife of one of the Piano Guys, who made national news when their daughter, Annie, went missing in an Oregon forest a couple of years ago.

As she was telling their story of looking for Annie, she said that she would get “assurances.” Not assurances that Annie would be found alive. But assurances that Annie was okay on the other side.

Assurances.

I’ve been searching for that word for a while now.

I receive assurances. Assurances of two things.

First, it tells me Rory is okay.

That she’s happy.

That she visits us.

She’s still here.

But also good there.

It also tells me that I’m not forgotten.

In my grief.

In my despair.

In my missing.

It reminds me that I have loving Heavenly Parents.

It reminds me that I have people on the other side looking out for me.

A lot of times my assurances happen in snapshots. Just a quick view of her from time to time.

It happens in unexpected, quiet moments. Most of the time when I’m not even actively thinking of her. They never last long.

It’s like someone took a Live Photo and sent it to me.

Heavenly Live Photos.

Best Live Photo ever.

I’m so grateful for those assurances.

The Lazarus Miracle

stephaniemoorewrites
Still taken from a beautiful bible video: https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/lazarus-is-raised-from-the-dead?lang=eng

When there’s loss, especially unexpected, I think Lazarus comes to mind.

The miracle.

Lazarus was dead for days but came back to life.

We want, and secretly hope for, a Lazarus miracle.

I’ve read those verses more times in the last year than all the rest of my life.

The verses have new meaning.

Jesus Christ is separated from Mary and Martha at the time of Lazarus’ death. He was out doing His Father’s work.

Four days after Lazarus’ passing, Jesus Christ arrived to visit their family.

Martha heard of His coming and ran out to meet Him. She said to Him:

“Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.”

Martha demonstrated beautiful faith. In response, Jesus Christ said:

“Thy brother shall rise again.”

Again, she exercises faith. She believes! And went and to get Mary as instructed

When Mary saw Jesus Christ, she fell to His feet and cried. Repeating the words that Martha had said to Him:

“Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.”

Seeing Mary and Martha in their grief, mourning, the scriptures say that Christ “groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.”

The women take Christ to the tomb. There, “Jesus wept.”

Jesus Christ knew why He was there. He was there to raise Lazarus from the dead.

Not only did Christ have a perfect eternal perspective, He knew that in minutes Lazarus would be with them again. Breathing. Alive.

In those moments He didn’t entice Mary and Martha to have an eternal view. He didn’t say to just wait a minute and things will get better.

He cried with them.

He talked with them.

He mourned with them.

He loved them.

It’s okay to be sad in our trials.

Jesus Christ was.

It’s okay to mourn when loved ones die.

Jesus Christ did.

It’s important to be there for others when they need you.

Jesus Christ was.

It’s important to have faith in Christ, like Mary and Martha. Like them, it’s important to find hope in Him.

And like Jesus Christ, it’s important lift up our eyes in all circumstances. To talk to the Father.

“Father, I thank thee that thou hadst heard me.”

The Father hears us.

In our anger and frustration. In our despair and grief. And our moments of absolute joy.

He is there for us.

He loves us.

Always.

**These references come from the King James Version of the Bible. John, Chapter 11.