Tag: grief

Mental Side Effects

stephaniemoorewrites

When Rory died, I feel like I was changed at the molecular level. That down to my cells, I would never be the same.

I’m not the same, but most of my cells probably are.

I’ve had quite a few mental side effects from the trauma of That Night.

One of them dealt with counting.

Since I was young, when my brain felt overwhelmed or when I was bored I would count things around me. It enabled me to focus in and make sense of my surroundings.

After Rory died, when I would start counting, I would be transported back to That Night. Counting the chest compressions.

What was once a coping mechanism was now a trigger.

I expressed this to our grief counselor. He gave me an exercise to help retrain my brain.

Every time I started counting compressions, I needed to replace the thought with something positive involving Rory.

I counted freckles.

I pictured Rory’s sweet face and would count her precious freckles.

Slowly, I’ve been able to count again. The thought doesn’t alway pop up. It still does sometimes, though.

But then I picture her chubby cheeks and find a small amount of peace.

Being a Bit Clingy

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve become quite clingy. There are things in my life that I just to to hold onto for dear life now.

My husband.

My boys.

Memories.

Pictures.

Family.

And faith.

If I were to say my faith hasn’t stumbled, that would be a lie.

How could I not question? My daughter is gone. For the rest of my life.

But at times when the questions become overwhelming, I hold onto the things I know.

I don’t understand why Rory isn’t here. It’s not fair! It isn’t!

I cling to my faith that I’m going to see her again.

Life sucks! It’s so hard living without her.

I cling to my faith that I’m not going through this alone, that I have a loving brother, Jesus Christ, who knows my pain.

I understand that I won’t have all the answers.

The best I can do is hold on to those I love, trust in what I believe, and share as much love as I possibly can.

It’s not the life I thought I’d have but it’s the life I’m living.

And I believe Rory’s going to be right by my side.

Living Through Grief- Captain Marvel

stephaniemoorewrites

We went to see Captain Marvel as family a few days ago.

We loved it. We’re big fans of the Marvel Universe so connecting all the story lines is fun for us.

As we do things as a family my thoughts always go to: would Rory have liked this?

Rory sat through movies. But she required popcorn, candy, and a drink. Then she was happy to sit there and enjoy all the movies.

I think she would’ve liked Captain Marvel. Carol Danvers was funny, tough, and kind.

Memory- Pancakes

stephaniemoorewrites

Rory loved breakfast food. Well, our whole family eats a lot of breakfast food.

It’s not just for the morning!

When I would make pancakes, Rory would sit across the griddle from me and wait for the tiny pancakes. The little drips that happened as I poured each circle.

But Rory didn’t say “Pancakes”.

She said, “Pampakes.”

I remember Rory with each accidental drop.

Love you, baby girl.

I Arise

stephaniemoorewrites

I looked up the history of St. Patrick today. I wanted to learn more about the man we celebrate every year.

Among the things I learned, I ran across St. Patrick’s Breastplate. It’s a prayer. A beautiful prayer.

I love that it’s called a breastplate. The idea that our prayers are armor for us.

In the prayer, he repeats, “I arise today…”

Those words are poignant to me.

There are days that staying bed seems easier.

That getting out and facing the pain seems like too much.

But, I arise.

Everyday.

I arise.

And in the breastplate prayer, he details the ways he is given help.

“I arise today, through
The strength of heaven,
The light of the sun,
The radiance of the moon,
The splendor of fire,
The speed of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of the sea,
The stability of the earth,
The firmness of rock.

I arise today, through
God’s strength to pilot me,
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s shield to protect me.”

I have felt that.

I have felt my prayers and the prayers of others lift me. Guide me. Get me through days that were too painful to get through.

I’ve been inspired on how to help my boys.

I’m grateful that even during the times of my deepest despair, I have never felt utterly and completely alone.

Prayers and armor.

I think the two go hand in hand.