Tag: grief

Christmas Eve Story

stephaniemoorewrites

My mom and I were talking about something new for me to read to my boys and nephews this Christmas Eve. I want something that not only acknowledges the grief but gives the boys an activity to include Rory in our celebration. So I wrote this:

A Brother’s Christmas Note

Time has ticked by.

Second by second.

I’ve waited and waited.

Sometimes patient, sometimes not.

But it’s here.

It’s finally here.

Christmas Day.

I run to the tree.

My eyes wide open.

I see my name on presents.

Picking one up, I give it a shake.

I dash to the fireplace.

Our stockings filled to the brim.

Except one.

I touch my sister’s.

She’s no longer here.

I leave hers hanging and take mine to the couch.

It’s not long before the rest of the family trickles in.

My brothers.

My mom.

My dad.

We sit in a circle,

Like we do every year.

Each opening a present.

Cars.

Games.

Toys.

Clothes.

We each pick our favorite,

And open it up.

I pick my new car.

On my knees, I race it across the room.

Zooming it into the fireplace.

I look up, one stocking still hangs.

Taking it down, I gaze around.

She can’t play with toys.

She can’t enjoy candy.

What can I put in her stocking?

I find a paper and pen to write a note.

“Baby Sister,

I will give mom a kiss for you.”

I place it in her stocking.

Happy, it’s no longer empty.

Dad followed me over,

“Can I see what you did?”

I nod and he reads.

With eyes filled with tears, Dad announces,

“Each of us will give service to your sister this year.”

Handing out more paper and pens.

We each write one down.

Giving love.

Giving care.

Her stocking is fuller than any of ours today.

She is our family’s angel.

We realize.

We know.

And this is our Christmas miracle:

She is here.

I can feel her

In each hug,

In each kiss.

She is a part of our family,

Part of our love,

And because of Jesus Christ,

Our love has no end.

Because of Jesus Christ,

We’ll be with her again.

 

Thank you for loving us. Caring for us. Praying for us.

I wish you all so much happiness and light.

I love you. We love you.

Merry Christmas. 💜

Rory was Funny

stephaniemoorewrites

No one could be around Rory for any length of time without smiling.

Towards the end, she was starting to come into more mature humor. Making word play, reacting to others.

But for the most part she would make funny sounds.

Have us laughing with her funny faces.

She’d tackle with tickles.

Getting down with her dance moves.

Singing in an opera voice.

There was never a dull moment with Rory.

And most were filled with smiles.

That One Picture

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve had an aversion for a long time. For as long as I can remember.

This is totally just a crazy Stephanie thing. But I have never liked seeing pictures hanging on the wall where it was obvious one child didn’t make it to adulthood.

That one picture is dated in clothes and style.

It has more discoloring than the pictures that surround it.

That one picture didn’t get replaced year after year like the ones of his/her siblings.

Seeing pictures like that have always made me sad. I would look at them and think, that must be a constant reminder that, that child never had the opportunity to grow up. A missed future.

It just hurt my heart. It made me never want anything like it.

So much so, we never bought school pictures and hung them on the wall.

The pictures we hung up on our walls were candid and with more than one kid for the most part. Other than the canvas prints Lance had made for me for Mother’s Day a few of years ago. (See in picture below.)

I think that’s why pictures growing old affect me so much.

Now, that sad situation is my situation.

Our family picture wall is filled with pictures of our Rory. The face we don’t get to see everyday. And those pictures will probably never change.

Time is Weird

stephaniemoorewrites

1 year

1 month

1 day

And it just keeps going.

I can probably write a dozen blogs specifically about time. It’s weird now.

It’s frozen.

But it never stops.

Time just keeps going.

But part of me didn’t make it past November 13, 2017. And that part will always be there.

How will I ever update my phone with new pictures on the screen?

I can’t get a new one with all four of my kids smiling back at me. It’s impossible.

In so many ways I’ve just had to move forward. There was no other choice for me to make.

I have to be there for my boys.

But in other ways, I’ll forever be in 2017.

When my family was whole.

When my baby girl was with us.