I went to Target today and it reminded me of something.
There were a few of Rory’s characteristics that I think were influenced by her brothers.
She rolled with punches. There were very few things she’d hang onto.
She was tough.
She loved to be outside playing in the dirt with our animals.
And her taste in toys.
I took this picture in a Target aisle a few years ago. It was just the two of us shopping while her brothers were at school.
My girl.
I was asked a few times, “So what do you guys do for the 4th?”
Any kind of question like that right now is just impossible.
I don’t know.
I don’t want to do traditions any longer. There’s a key player that’s missing right now. How can we be happy doing the same thing we usually do?
But how do I also keep some normalcy for the boys?
That’s my tightrope walk.
Yesterday we grilled.
We hung out with my parents and new friends.
Set off small fireworks.
And we bought a new van. (Pictures coming soon!)
New traditions.
Mixed with old traditions.
And I had no full blown panic attack yesterday.
I consider that a success.
Emotional energy is very real thing. And it’s not unlimited.
When I start a day I think of what I’m going to need to do. What’s going to be hard? What am I going to have to prepare myself for?
The little things require more effort than they used to, so I have to gear up for even the simplest of events.
Going to Sam’s Club
Taking the boys places
Cooking dinner. I hate cooking dinner right now!
Going to church
Making treats
All of it. Even things that I enjoy.
Emotions are beautiful. But each one carries a weight.
Grief
Anger
Fear
Make it so worth it when you feel
Joy
Peace and
Love.
During a recent Carpool Karaoke, James Corden rode with Paul McCartney. It was my favorite carpool yet.
First, I grew up listening to their music. If it wasn’t The Beatles, it was The Who. If it was Elton John, it was America. Seriously, I dragged a couple of my friends to the Ostrich Festival in the Phoenix area and we rocked out to America. Well, I rocked out to America. So, The Beatles are important to me.
I’ve always liked Let It Be but never knew the story behind it until I watched this episode. Paul was having a hard time, there was a lot of uncertainty in his life. And drugs. He went to sleep one hard night and his mother (who passed away when he was 14) came to him in a dream. She assured him that everything was going to be okay soon and to let it be.
Tears were streaming down my face as I heard this. I’ve had experiences where I’ve felt Rory letting me know that she’s okay. She’s happy. She’s not alone.
But here’s the thing.
I want her here.
I want to hug her.
I want to love her.
I want to hear her fake laugh.
I want to see her smile.
I want to hear her say, “Tickle me” or “Cuddles”.
I want her to wake me up and crawl into my bed.
I want to see her wink.
I want to see her skip across the room.
“For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be”
I’m still in the night, but I have her assuring me. There will be answer. Let it be.
(Here’s a link to the carpool karaoke: https://youtu.be/QjvzCTqkBDQ)
As we were prepping to have twins we decided we were going to get a minivan. A beautiful Honda Odyssey. I wanted automatic sliding doors so I could open them before I approached with my arms full of car seats.
We bought our van five months before the twins were born. We were excited!
All of our kids were brought home from the hospital in our van.
All our family vacations have been in this van.
To and from appointments, school, friends’ houses, stores, etc.
This van is part of our family.
But it’s 14 years old with over 230,000 miles.
She’s still running well, but there’s this sick feeling now. How much longer?
8 months ago I was excited about the prospect of getting a new van.
But that was when my family was whole.
Now, I have this fear.
If I get a new van, will I still feel Rory around me as I drive?
Rory Ann Moore Foundation 