Tag: vacations

San Francisco

stephaniemoorewrites

We made a trip out to San Fransisco last weekend.

There were blue skies. In the warm 50’s. It was nice.

We stopped by Boudin bakery.

You can say, we’re a bread family.

As we were sitting there enjoying: sour dough, challah, Asiago cheese bread, and pain au chocolat, the boys agreed on one thing.

This is Heaven.

Except Rory was missing in our dough heaven.

So that day we each took a bite for our daughter and sister.

We agreed she would have liked the pain au chocolat and the challah bread.

They also spent time deciding if there will be bread in Heaven.

Conclusion: there will be!

God sent down manna from there, after all.

Finding Joy in Hard Times

stephaniemoorewrites

One of my goals is to continue to have good times in our sorrow. I want the boys to feel like they’ve lived. I don’t want Lance and I to just get by for the rest of our lives.

I have mixed feelings with joy. But not in the way many think I do.

I don’t have guilt.

I have sadness.

Happiness isn’t what it once was.

It’s scarce.

It’s fleeting.

Lance and I are on our way back from a Southern Caribbean cruise.

We love to travel! It fills our buckets.

We had many new and amazing experiences.

We zip lined for the first time.

We snorkeled with turtles.

We drove through rainforests.

But this time also felt different.

I felt the separation from the boys more acutely. I knew they were having tons of fun with my parents. But anxiety tugged at me more than it has in the past.

And there were a couple of times I’ve imagined Rory being there when I got home.

We took a similar trip last year.

She was there when we got back.

I know she’s not going to be. But it was a nice thought for a moment.

Anxiety with fun.

Grief with joy.

I think the rest of my life will be emotional contradictions.

Choices and Decisions

stephaniemoorewrites

That night. After Lance and I said goodbye to Rory in the ambulance. After we told and collected the boys from a neighbor’s house. We were in a car headed around the corner to my parent’s house.

Chiler was sitting next to me.

He said, “Mom, don’t check out. Don’t leave me.”

Those words stand guard to my choices and decisions.

Don’t check out.

Don’t leave.

Those two sentences told me a couple of things about my little 13 year old.

One, he understood the gravity of what had just happened.

Two, he was scared.

I can’t do anything about the first. Her death happened.

I can do something about the second, it’s in the choices and decisions I make daily.

I can’t change the past.

But I have power to affect the present and future.

I go through ranges of emotions every single day.

I’m angry!

This is unfair.

I hate my life.

Those statement enter my mind more times than I’d like to admit. But I get to decide how long they dwell.

Anger is potent and can easily take over. But I have guardians over my brain. I have words from a son that needs me.

I choose to stay with him. With them.

I choose hard talks, discussing the impossible.

I choose Easter baskets, to see the smile on their faces.

I choose vacations, to help them see the world.

I choose family dinners and movie nights.

I choose our new kind happiness over anger.

I won’t check out.

I won’t leave them.

A Cruise Memory

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve missed Rory so much the last couple of day, I need to share a memory.

In May 2016 we went on a two week transatlantic cruise with our kids. It was amazing! We got to spend a lot of quality time together that’s beyond priceless now.

One of Rory’s favorite things to do was stand by the buttons in the elevator and ask people, “What floor?”

One time she came back from kids club with the boys and she had a dollar bill.

She was in the elevator pushing buttons for people and someone gave her a tip.

She was the cutest bellhop.