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Physical Armor

stephaniemoorewrites

Most of the time it comes out of nowhere. An unexpected email. Finding a Rory treasure I haven’t seen since her passing. A reminder.

I’m so grateful for these things. I hope I have unexpected Rory things happen for the rest of my life.

But it also provides increased emotion. Anxiety. Tears.

My first instinct is to close off. My hand goes to my shoulder, shielding my body. Soon, I started reaching for her. Things that remind me her.

I wear jewelry everyday that keeps Rory close to me.

A ring with her fingerprint on it.

Or a bracelet and ring that has Rory and my birthstones, given to me by my sister-in-laws.

Necklaces, given to me by dear friends, some with Rory’s picture in them.

And sometimes, I just need a comfy pair of purple shoes.

They’re touchstones.

Something I can physically grasp.

When I need her to be with me.

When I need to feel not so alone.

The Decision to do Online Homeschool

stephaniemoorewrites

There were a number of factors that lead to our family doing online homeschool. It’s definitely not something that I’d thought much about before.

But, right now, it felt right.

The twins are freshman this year. Freshman!

I have four more years. That’s it! Then it’s college, mission, marriage, their own families.

I have four more years until they’re out of the house, doing their own things.

And I want that for them.

But I also want my four years.

I want to vacation when we want to.

I want to eat lunch together everyday.

I want to have scripture study with them in the mornings.

I want to cook with them.

I like them.

I love them.

I want my time with them.

Here are our back to school photos for 2018-2019:

My Relationship with Grief Today

stephaniemoorewrites

Grief is isolating.

We mourn with others.

We grieve alone.

The pain is the missing.

Her voice.

Her sweet smile.

Her laugh. Even the fake ones.

Her snuggles.

Her winks.

It’s in the quiet moments.

Those soul crushing quiet moments.

Banging on the steering wheel.

Pounding the bed.

Dropping to your knees, pain.

Curling up in the closet, crying.

Grappling with the could of’s and the should of’s.

That will never be.

Trying to find contentment.

Trying to be as whole as possible.

Never quite successful.

But I want to be.

I have hope.

Not always on the surface.

Not always accessible.

But there.

I have hope that I will see her again.

Because of Him.

Memory- No Crying

stephaniemoorewrites

Rory was very sympathetic. Maybe even empathetic.

She did not like for others to be sad.

She played with anyone and everyone on the playground.

When people were sad, she freely gave hugs.

When I would cry she would hold my face in her hands and wipe my tears. Then ask me if I was okay.

I guarantee I wasn’t only one that received that blessing.

She would’ve hated the last 9 1/2 months as I’ve cried everyday.

She would not have liked to see me this way.

I’m trying.

I’m doing.

I’m loving.

Like you did, sweet baby girl.