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Hard Things

stephaniemoorewrites

I had two memories come up on Facebook today.

One of the hardest things about Rory’s death is a missed future.

We had plans.

She had plans.

She came to me one day and said she wanted to be a heart doctor. My first thought was okay, let’s do this.

Lance and I were ready to put in the work. We were getting her the resources she needed to be more successful at school. It wasn’t going to be an easy road but we believed in Rory. She was already making huge progress!

We were ensuring we did everything in our power to help her succeed. Then she stepped up.

Rory did hard things every day.

Now we do hard things every day. Love you, baby girl.

A Memory- Come and Find Me

stephaniemoorewrites

One day Rory wanted to play hide and go seek. The first place I looked was her room and found this:

Can you see her?

Then I looked in the closet:

Where’s Rory?

Then the next day we played again.

We were back in her room.

She wasn’t always the greatest of hiders when we were playing.

But when I was actually looking for her.

When we needed to go somewhere.

When I needed to talk to her.

Then she became stealth.

I would yell and yell around the house searching for her. At times in an absolute panic. Finally she’d come out with a big smile on her face.

“What, Mom?”

Star Wars

stephaniemoorewrites

We’re a Star Wars family. I grew up watching it. When the movies were rereleased, I saw all three in the theater.

When they came out with new ones! Yay!! I stayed up until midnight (on my high school graduation night) and watched The Phantom Menace. (I almost fell asleep multiple times.)

With my kids, particularly Rory, I was so excited for Star Wars: Force Awakens. Rey is an amazing leading lady. She’s kind, strong, and loving. She was abandoned by her family but still cares about a little robot that comes across her path.

I loved this Jedi for my daughter.

As I go through my everyday life I like to think of ways to include Rory in it still.

I like to point out things she would have liked.

Things I would have liked for her.

Things that make me think of her.

Earlier this month we met my mom, dad, sister and her family at Boondocks. There was this cardboard cut out of Rey that we can “buy” with tickets.

I thought of Rory.

I’d have loved to put that in her room. Celebrate a strong woman with her.

I mentioned to my parents that I thought it was cool.

A few days later, this arrived.

I think of Rory. With every glance.

Life Sucks

stephaniemoorewrites

The last couple of weeks have been “life sucks” weeks.

Okay. It’s probably the last eight months. But like I said before, some days, some weeks, are worse than others.

So these have been worse weeks.

We have this huge hole, this huge sadness in our lives. Everything else should just fall into place, right? Right?

Nope.

There’s still crappiness.

Big decisions still have to be made.

Life doesn’t stop. It just keeps coming.

I take deep breaths and just try to roll with it.

But there are days that I’m hitting my steering wheel in anger.

And some that I’m curled up in my closet in tears.

This is what I hate.

Each of the boys have, in different ways, asked me if I’m sad the last few days.

I hate that.

I don’t want the boys to think of me as a sad mom.

I didn’t used to be.

I hate that it takes so much energy for me to be “normal.”

I hate that this is my life. Their life.

A Memory— The List

stephaniemoorewrites

Rory was, by far, my pickiest eater. The boys couldn’t get away with it. There were too many of them, close together. I needed them to eat what I put in front of them.

Rory, well, she had a list.

When it started there were five things she would eat:

Corn dogs

French fries

Chicken nuggets

Fruit snacks

Goldfish.

Luckily, the list did expand. But I’d be lying if I said it got much healthier.

I’d have her eat broccoli. She’d gag it down. Literally, the entire time she was eating, she was gagging.

Every once in a while I’d ask her to try something and she would, with a smile, tell me that wasn’t on her list.

She was so dang cute saying that, I’d totally let it go.

Because of her “restrictive list”, I would always have her favorites on hand.

Buying those things are hard. Still.

But they’re on the boys’ list too.