Tag: grief

Memory- Rory’s Crooked Toes

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve been having Rory memories pop into my mind the past week. I laugh and smile thinking of her. Then I cry. Well, bawl.

I’m happy to share one.

I was thinking about Rory’s funny toes.

They were zany, just like her.

Her toes were completely uneven.

I remember playing with them when I nursed her.

I always wondered if her toes will flatten out when she started walking.

They didn’t.

Then my thoughts went to the last time I held her feet in my hands.

Within the hour of her dying.

I rubbed her feet as she watched Angry Birds on TV.

I held onto them.

I miss those crooked toes.

They were attached to one of the most precious human beings I had the privilege to hold in my arms.

Assurances

stephaniemoorewrites

I went to Time Out of Women, an inspirational women’s conference, a couple of weeks ago. Michelle Schmidt was there. She is the wife of one of the Piano Guys, who made national news when their daughter, Annie, went missing in an Oregon forest a couple of years ago.

As she was telling their story of looking for Annie, she said that she would get “assurances.” Not assurances that Annie would be found alive. But assurances that Annie was okay on the other side.

Assurances.

I’ve been searching for that word for a while now.

I receive assurances. Assurances of two things.

First, it tells me Rory is okay.

That she’s happy.

That she visits us.

She’s still here.

But also good there.

It also tells me that I’m not forgotten.

In my grief.

In my despair.

In my missing.

It reminds me that I have loving Heavenly Parents.

It reminds me that I have people on the other side looking out for me.

A lot of times my assurances happen in snapshots. Just a quick view of her from time to time.

It happens in unexpected, quiet moments. Most of the time when I’m not even actively thinking of her. They never last long.

It’s like someone took a Live Photo and sent it to me.

Heavenly Live Photos.

Best Live Photo ever.

I’m so grateful for those assurances.

Living Through Grief

stephaniemoorewrites

For the last little while I’ve been wanting to start a weekly series on how our family is living through grief.

We haven’t stopped living. There’s too much life left for Lance and I but especially our boys.

Starting at the beginning of January Dax started gymnastics competitions. Pre Rory’s death it was fun and all encompassing. I focused three to four months on his competitions, comparing scores and studying routines.

I have so much less energy for it.

And in all honesty, I feel bad about it.

But there’s really not much I can do. I show up. I support. I love. It’s what I can do.

To save some parental sanity, Dax is skipping Regionals this year. He’s a really good kid.

We’re so proud of how hard he works and all he has accomplished.

Here’s a little high bar from state last Saturday.

Rory, You Be You

stephaniemoorewrites

When I was pregnant with Rory, I kept saying that I would be fine if I ended up having four boys.

I knew what to do with boys.

I already had three that were good friends.

Adding one more, that’d be great.

But secretly, I wanted a baby girl.

I grew up in a house with the majority of girls. And loved it.

My parents were very encouraging. I always felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be.

I was so excited to spread that message to my daughter.

As Rory grew, Lance and I strived to encourage her, support her, and make sure she knew the sky was the limit.

She wanted to be a doctor? Okay, let’s do it!

You want to get a purple belt? (It was her favorite color.) You got this, girl!

Rory was brave.

She defended her brothers to the Moon and back.

Rory was kind.

She included everyone. Always.

Rory was smart.

She constantly amazed us on what she was picking up on.

Rory was humble.

She was the first to say sorry.

Rory was strong.

She fought through anxiety and fear and came up on the other side.

Rory was so excited to be a mom.

She loved babies. Loved, loved, loved babies and littler than her kids.

Today, I want to celebrate women! I want to celebrate Rory. The amazing woman she was, who she was becoming.

I’m grateful for what she taught me. And what she continues to teach me.

Love you, baby girl.

You took the step ahead of me this time.

Messy Faces- Rory Edition

stephaniemoorewrites

While anxiety would attack Rory every once in a while, for the most part she lived her life free.

She was happy.

Carefree.

She gobbled up so much joy that at times it was all over her face.