Tag: hard things

Time is Weird

stephaniemoorewrites

1 year

1 month

1 day

And it just keeps going.

I can probably write a dozen blogs specifically about time. It’s weird now.

It’s frozen.

But it never stops.

Time just keeps going.

But part of me didn’t make it past November 13, 2017. And that part will always be there.

How will I ever update my phone with new pictures on the screen?

I can’t get a new one with all four of my kids smiling back at me. It’s impossible.

In so many ways I’ve just had to move forward. There was no other choice for me to make.

I have to be there for my boys.

But in other ways, I’ll forever be in 2017.

When my family was whole.

When my baby girl was with us.

My Life is a Dichotomy

stephaniemoorewrites

Xander has been taking a ballroom dancing class the last few months and Saturday he performed.

His class was one of the last to perform.

As the other classes performed, I just tried to stay in control.

The last recital I went to was Rory’s. She performed two Christmas numbers.

As these sweet little girls performed their little hearts out, I missed my Rory.

Then Xander got up. He pushed past his fear. He had learned a lot.

And he did an amazing job!

I bawled!

I was so dang proud of him.

It feels like my life will never be whole. It will always be torn.

In one moment I’m feeling happiness and pride in my son. While feeling sadness and longing for her.

I don’t know if that will change.

But I’m grateful for every memory of her.

I’m grateful for my life even though it still ends a lot with tears.

November

stephaniemoorewrites

November is supposed to be a month filled with gratitude. But the truth about this November was that I wished I could have stayed curled up in my bed.

But since I couldn’t.

So many friends and family members showed up with love. You have been flashlights in our darkness.

Each day this month, different members of our congregation shared a message of something they’re grateful for. It’s been great having visitors nightly. To be reminded of all the wonderful things we enjoy in the world.

Around the anniversary of Rory’s passing, we received messages of love. We were reminded that we’re not mourning alone. Reminded that there are many that love and remember our beautiful Rory.

Among other things, our neighbors tied ribbons around our house, their houses, and light poles. One of my most emotional times is when I’m driving alone. I cry frequently. When I pull into our neighborhood and see the ribbons, I feel like I’m getting a hug. I’m reminded of love and support.

This November, I’m so grateful for friends and family and love and support.

This Time With Purpose

stephaniemoorewrites
Last year. And 2016– the progression of taking a picture with my kiddos. Rory was always doing something.

The last holiday season we put our heads down and plowed through. Thanksgiving was a week and a half after Rory passed. Then a couple weeks after that we moved across town. A couple weeks after that was Christmas. My birthday. New Year’s. Dax’s birthday. Rory’s birthday.

It all happened fast. And we just got through it. There wasn’t a lot of thought or intention in our celebrating.

This year there is.

I made rolls and pumpkin pie, and other traditional Thanksgiving feast items.

We’re talking about getting our Christmas decorations out.

I’m planning and buying Christmas gifts.

We’re settling in and trying to prepare for a Christmas season.

One where we celebrate on purpose.

With purpose.

As we’re coming to grips and actually living this new life, I’ve realized how much this purpose means to us. More than before.

Christ.

All our hope lies in Jesus Christ.

He was born. The Son of God.

He died.

But lived again.

Lives still.

This Christmas season will be harder than the last. But this year, we’ll give more thanks.

This year, we’ll live with more purpose.

For her.

Because of Him.