Tag: hard things

The Rory from My Dream

stephaniemoorewrites

Yesterday I posted a drawing made for our family on Facebook.

It was commissioned by my parent’s friends from a congregation they previously attended.

My dad sent me a picture of it in a text.

Tears sprang to my eyes.

That was the Rory from my dream the night before.

In the drawing she looks slightly older than when she was my Rory. The chin line, the posture, her fingers a little longer, she looks just a little more grown up.

This is exactly how she looked in my dream.

I miss her.

I love her.

God is good.

Here’s the website of the artist that was commissioned:

http://www.jeankeatonart.com

Physical Armor

stephaniemoorewrites

Most of the time it comes out of nowhere. An unexpected email. Finding a Rory treasure I haven’t seen since her passing. A reminder.

I’m so grateful for these things. I hope I have unexpected Rory things happen for the rest of my life.

But it also provides increased emotion. Anxiety. Tears.

My first instinct is to close off. My hand goes to my shoulder, shielding my body. Soon, I started reaching for her. Things that remind me her.

I wear jewelry everyday that keeps Rory close to me.

A ring with her fingerprint on it.

Or a bracelet and ring that has Rory and my birthstones, given to me by my sister-in-laws.

Necklaces, given to me by dear friends, some with Rory’s picture in them.

And sometimes, I just need a comfy pair of purple shoes.

They’re touchstones.

Something I can physically grasp.

When I need her to be with me.

When I need to feel not so alone.

The Decision to do Online Homeschool

stephaniemoorewrites

There were a number of factors that lead to our family doing online homeschool. It’s definitely not something that I’d thought much about before.

But, right now, it felt right.

The twins are freshman this year. Freshman!

I have four more years. That’s it! Then it’s college, mission, marriage, their own families.

I have four more years until they’re out of the house, doing their own things.

And I want that for them.

But I also want my four years.

I want to vacation when we want to.

I want to eat lunch together everyday.

I want to have scripture study with them in the mornings.

I want to cook with them.

I like them.

I love them.

I want my time with them.

Here are our back to school photos for 2018-2019:

My Relationship with Grief Today

stephaniemoorewrites

Grief is isolating.

We mourn with others.

We grieve alone.

The pain is the missing.

Her voice.

Her sweet smile.

Her laugh. Even the fake ones.

Her snuggles.

Her winks.

It’s in the quiet moments.

Those soul crushing quiet moments.

Banging on the steering wheel.

Pounding the bed.

Dropping to your knees, pain.

Curling up in the closet, crying.

Grappling with the could of’s and the should of’s.

That will never be.

Trying to find contentment.

Trying to be as whole as possible.

Never quite successful.

But I want to be.

I have hope.

Not always on the surface.

Not always accessible.

But there.

I have hope that I will see her again.

Because of Him.

A Memory- Church Waves

stephaniemoorewrites

I have quite a few things I loved about Rory at church.

Lance didn’t sit with us much. He served in leadership callings that required him to sit up front.

That meant I had four kids that would fight to sit on either side of me. But really the boys fought to sit on one side because Rory always got the other. She was my little buddy.

Rory would look up at Lance and wave and wave. I would put her hand down and the next second it would fly back up. That continued until Lance acknowledged and waved back. She was happy to see her dad up there.

She was happy.