Tag: loss of a child

Physical Armor

stephaniemoorewrites

Most of the time it comes out of nowhere. An unexpected email. Finding a Rory treasure I haven’t seen since her passing. A reminder.

I’m so grateful for these things. I hope I have unexpected Rory things happen for the rest of my life.

But it also provides increased emotion. Anxiety. Tears.

My first instinct is to close off. My hand goes to my shoulder, shielding my body. Soon, I started reaching for her. Things that remind me her.

I wear jewelry everyday that keeps Rory close to me.

A ring with her fingerprint on it.

Or a bracelet and ring that has Rory and my birthstones, given to me by my sister-in-laws.

Necklaces, given to me by dear friends, some with Rory’s picture in them.

And sometimes, I just need a comfy pair of purple shoes.

They’re touchstones.

Something I can physically grasp.

When I need her to be with me.

When I need to feel not so alone.

My Relationship with Grief Today

stephaniemoorewrites

Grief is isolating.

We mourn with others.

We grieve alone.

The pain is the missing.

Her voice.

Her sweet smile.

Her laugh. Even the fake ones.

Her snuggles.

Her winks.

It’s in the quiet moments.

Those soul crushing quiet moments.

Banging on the steering wheel.

Pounding the bed.

Dropping to your knees, pain.

Curling up in the closet, crying.

Grappling with the could of’s and the should of’s.

That will never be.

Trying to find contentment.

Trying to be as whole as possible.

Never quite successful.

But I want to be.

I have hope.

Not always on the surface.

Not always accessible.

But there.

I have hope that I will see her again.

Because of Him.

Memory- No Crying

stephaniemoorewrites

Rory was very sympathetic. Maybe even empathetic.

She did not like for others to be sad.

She played with anyone and everyone on the playground.

When people were sad, she freely gave hugs.

When I would cry she would hold my face in her hands and wipe my tears. Then ask me if I was okay.

I guarantee I wasn’t only one that received that blessing.

She would’ve hated the last 9 1/2 months as I’ve cried everyday.

She would not have liked to see me this way.

I’m trying.

I’m doing.

I’m loving.

Like you did, sweet baby girl.

Our Triplets

stephaniemoorewrites

When Lance would try to confuse people, he’d tell them that Chiler, Xander, and Rory were triplets.

People would look at them with furrowed brows.

Technically, they are triplets.

They were conceived at the same time.

We struggled for many years to have kids. We had IVF with to have the twins. Embryos kept splitting. On the day the twins were implanted, the doctors picked the best two. Then they let the rest of the embryos continue splitting until zygote stage.

Two zygotes were good and healthy and we froze them.

One was our Rory.

We worked hard to get those boys and that girl here.

I’ll be forever grateful for medical miracles. I’m so grateful for my boys. For my girl.

In case you’re wondering, we call Dax our love child. Only one naturally conceived. A different kind of miracle.