Tag: Paralyzing grief

No Big Decisions

stephaniemoorewrites

They say not to make big decisions the first year after a tragedy. It could lead to emotional and sometimes non rational, bad choices.

In my everyday life, I run things by Lance all the time. Am I overreacting? I have a hard time trusting my feelings. And other times Lance asks to read emails before I send them. 😂

In terms of our life, I’d say that more things are different than are the same. We’ve had to keep adapting. We still have hurdles that are in our path and we have to decide how to handle them.

The problem with the no big decisions after a tragedy idea is that the event fundamentally changes you.

Rory’s passing changed my emotions.

It changed my family dynamic.

My thoughts.

My plans for the future.

And my plans for right now.

We just keeping crawling over the hurdles, these big decisions, we find in our path. Then fall down on the other side.

But we’re making it over them. I hope.

Big decision for the Moore Family this week: the boys are switching schools.

Life Sucks

stephaniemoorewrites

The last couple of weeks have been “life sucks” weeks.

Okay. It’s probably the last eight months. But like I said before, some days, some weeks, are worse than others.

So these have been worse weeks.

We have this huge hole, this huge sadness in our lives. Everything else should just fall into place, right? Right?

Nope.

There’s still crappiness.

Big decisions still have to be made.

Life doesn’t stop. It just keeps coming.

I take deep breaths and just try to roll with it.

But there are days that I’m hitting my steering wheel in anger.

And some that I’m curled up in my closet in tears.

This is what I hate.

Each of the boys have, in different ways, asked me if I’m sad the last few days.

I hate that.

I don’t want the boys to think of me as a sad mom.

I didn’t used to be.

I hate that it takes so much energy for me to be “normal.”

I hate that this is my life. Their life.

Our Honda Odyssey

stephaniemoorewrites

As we were prepping to have twins we decided we were going to get a minivan. A beautiful Honda Odyssey. I wanted automatic sliding doors so I could open them before I approached with my arms full of car seats.

We bought our van five months before the twins were born. We were excited!

All of our kids were brought home from the hospital in our van.

All our family vacations have been in this van.

To and from appointments, school, friends’ houses, stores, etc.

This van is part of our family.

But it’s 14 years old with over 230,000 miles.

She’s still running well, but there’s this sick feeling now. How much longer?

8 months ago I was excited about the prospect of getting a new van.

But that was when my family was whole.

Now, I have this fear.

If I get a new van, will I still feel Rory around me as I drive?