Tag: emotions

Memory- Rory’s Crooked Toes

stephaniemoorewrites

I’ve been having Rory memories pop into my mind the past week. I laugh and smile thinking of her. Then I cry. Well, bawl.

I’m happy to share one.

I was thinking about Rory’s funny toes.

They were zany, just like her.

Her toes were completely uneven.

I remember playing with them when I nursed her.

I always wondered if her toes will flatten out when she started walking.

They didn’t.

Then my thoughts went to the last time I held her feet in my hands.

Within the hour of her dying.

I rubbed her feet as she watched Angry Birds on TV.

I held onto them.

I miss those crooked toes.

They were attached to one of the most precious human beings I had the privilege to hold in my arms.

Talking About Rory

stephaniemoorewrites

One of the things people say to me is that they’re unsure if they should bring Rory up in a conversation.

I understand the hesitation. People don’t want to cause me more grief.

I love Rory.

I miss Rory.

For me, I want to talk about her. Share her love. Share her funny stories.

IF it comes up naturally, then please ask me, let me share a little something about her.

If you had a memory come to mind. If you dreamt about her. If you felt her to close. Please share that with me. It tells me that she’s remembered. It tells me that Rory is still around, loving those she loved in life.

Here’s the caveat. There’s a good chance I’m going to cry. Happy memories. Sad memories. Hard memories. Lovely memories.

Talking about her makes me happy but also makes me miss her.

So don’t be scared of my tears. Don’t think you caused me more grief.

The grief is always there.

But for a few minutes I got to think about, talk about, this amazing little girl.

That I miss.

That I love.

It’s Still Here.

stephaniemoorewrites

I thought I’d feel some relief coming down off Rory’s birthday. It was officially the end of our “holiday season.”

It just hasn’t come.

Like the weather outside, I feel like I’m surrounded by clouds.

I feel maxed with stress. With emotions. With frustration.

Things that might have just blown right over me, aren’t. My emotions are at a place where they’re to the rim, ready to overflow at the next thing that hurts.

I’m angry.

Sad.

Upset.

I try to breathe through it. I mean, I’m acknowledging that I’m getting set off. But it’s just not possible right now.

I’m exhausted.

Physically and emotionally.

Trying to be “normal” right now requires so much energy.

I remember a few weeks ago going to an event and I practiced smiling as I walked in.

I had to practice smiling because it just doesn’t come as naturally. Or as often.

Especially right now.

I took that picture above last week as snow was coming down. I looked over at the sun and it was fighting.

It was fighting its way through the clouds to provide light to us.

That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m fighting. I’m trying to figure a way out of the grief clouds that are surrounding me.

I have hope that I’ll break through.

I will.

I always do.

There are four men that need me to.

Hitting Double Digits (Birthday Part One)

stephaniemoorewrites

Tomorrow is Rory’s birthday. But I want to celebrate and love tomorrow. Today, I want to scream and cry.

If Rory was still here I probably would have written:

And just like this, my baby girl is 10.

My baby has hit the double digits. I can’t believe it!

I probably would have commented on all the growth she had this year.

How she’s made so many new friends.

I’d probably have commented on how fast time goes by.

About what an incredible young woman she’s becoming. How proud I am of her.

I hate that I don’t get to say these things.

That I miss out on so much with her.

I just want to scream today.

I miss her!

I want her!

It’s not fair she’s not here!

But mostly, I want to tell my girl:

I think about you everyday.

I listen for you.

I search for you.

I try to share love like you would have.

I love you, my sweet baby girl.

Forever.

And ever.

Anniversary

stephaniemoorewrites

Today, Lance and I have been married for 19 years.

Marriage is fun.

Marriage is hard.

Marriage gave me an amazing partner for life.

Marriage has given me a partner to fight with for the rest of my life.

Marriage has taught me love.

Forgiveness.

Understanding.

Patience.

Gratitude.

Our marriage brought us four incredible children.

These 19 years haven’t been smooth sailing.

Life hasn’t turned out the way we thought it would 19 years ago when we said yes.

But I’m a better person today because of Lance.

I’m grateful everyday that Heavenly Father put Lance in my path.

I can’t imagine getting through this new life without him.

Love you, babe.