Tag: Because of Him

Miracles

stephaniemoorewrites

I watched an uplifting show this morning. It talked about “champions.”

One of the stories was about a young man that was in an accident. He was very badly hurt. In a coma for weeks.

People prayed around the clock for him.

The family held onto their faith in God.

The boy miraculously awoke. Not without struggles, but he awoke.

These “champion” stories get forwarded on social media. They get talked about on television.

These are miraculous stories of people that have overcome.

I would NEVER want a different outcome for them. I cried tears of gratitude with those parents that got to hug their son again.

That isn’t our story.

Ours isn’t the easy story to forward on.

Our story is loss.

But our story isn’t without faith and miracles either.

It’s a miracle our house sold 3 days before Rory passed away. We would have been frozen with grief to make decisions. And we were still there surrounded by those that knew and loved her and us.

It’s a miracle we found the house we did. We weren’t even looking in the Lehi area for a long time. We were directed to this neighborhood, full of loving and compassionate people.

It was a miracle she passed away in my arms. With her illness, she could have passed away silently in her sleep. Instead, I got to love her and hold her until the moment she left this world.

It’s a miracle that our family functions. There have so many days and weeks when I haven’t had energy. When I have felt the weight so heavily on my shoulders. I couldn’t get by without the miraculous help of my Heavenly Father. The pain is too all encompassing.

These are not the miracles I would have wanted. I want my daughter with me.

I miss her.

I love her.

Ours isn’t a story for Rory to overcome. It’s the story for all the rest of us left behind to overcome.

And there have been miracles.

Wish It Hadn’t Come to Me

stephaniemoorewrites

Our family has been watching Lord of the Rings to prepare for a LOTR Trivial Pursuit showdown.

When we were watching Fellowship, a couple of lines stuck out to me this time.

Frodo says, “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”

Gandalf says, “So do all who live to see such times. But it is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

I feel that. I say that. I wish. I really, really wish this had never happened to me. I wish she had never gotten sick. I wish she was still cuddled by my side.

But I have no power. It wasn’t my decision.

The power I have, the decision I GET to make is what I do now and for the rest of my life.

I feel this tug quite a bit. This pull of a rope attached to my back. Inching me toward anger, confusion, and despair.

There are times the pull knocks me off my feet and drags me along.

If I’m being completely honest, sometimes it feels easier to let go and skid across the ground. To allow my head to be clouded and my heart to harden.

But it’s not what I want.

So I dig my heels in. I flex my muscles and I do whatever I can to not move that way.

Because the other side of those emotions are love, peace, and hope.

These emotions, though harder to reach at times, don’t drag me. They lift me. They don’t pull me along. They carry me.

When I clear my head and allow myself to be carried by love, I feel closer to Rory.

She was and is love.

When I let go of questions, my why’s, and allow peace into my life, I feel the Spirit. I know I’m not forgotten. I get a reassurance that I’m going to be with her again.

Allowing me to taste the peace she has found.

When I can let go of the despair that tugs at me, hope lives. Hope thrives. Heavenly Father is hope. Jesus Christ is hope. When I focus on them, I feel hope.

I feel hope for her.

For me.

For us.

November

stephaniemoorewrites

November is supposed to be a month filled with gratitude. But the truth about this November was that I wished I could have stayed curled up in my bed.

But since I couldn’t.

So many friends and family members showed up with love. You have been flashlights in our darkness.

Each day this month, different members of our congregation shared a message of something they’re grateful for. It’s been great having visitors nightly. To be reminded of all the wonderful things we enjoy in the world.

Around the anniversary of Rory’s passing, we received messages of love. We were reminded that we’re not mourning alone. Reminded that there are many that love and remember our beautiful Rory.

Among other things, our neighbors tied ribbons around our house, their houses, and light poles. One of my most emotional times is when I’m driving alone. I cry frequently. When I pull into our neighborhood and see the ribbons, I feel like I’m getting a hug. I’m reminded of love and support.

This November, I’m so grateful for friends and family and love and support.

This Time With Purpose

stephaniemoorewrites
Last year. And 2016– the progression of taking a picture with my kiddos. Rory was always doing something.

The last holiday season we put our heads down and plowed through. Thanksgiving was a week and a half after Rory passed. Then a couple weeks after that we moved across town. A couple weeks after that was Christmas. My birthday. New Year’s. Dax’s birthday. Rory’s birthday.

It all happened fast. And we just got through it. There wasn’t a lot of thought or intention in our celebrating.

This year there is.

I made rolls and pumpkin pie, and other traditional Thanksgiving feast items.

We’re talking about getting our Christmas decorations out.

I’m planning and buying Christmas gifts.

We’re settling in and trying to prepare for a Christmas season.

One where we celebrate on purpose.

With purpose.

As we’re coming to grips and actually living this new life, I’ve realized how much this purpose means to us. More than before.

Christ.

All our hope lies in Jesus Christ.

He was born. The Son of God.

He died.

But lived again.

Lives still.

This Christmas season will be harder than the last. But this year, we’ll give more thanks.

This year, we’ll live with more purpose.

For her.

Because of Him.

In My Arms

stephaniemoorewrites

She was placed in my arms,

The moment she was born.

I rocked her in my arms,

When she needed to sleep.

I held her in my arms,

When she was hurt.

I cuddled her in my arms,

When she awoke in the mornings.

I squeezed her in my arms,

When she ran to me after school.

I kissed her while in my arms,

Almost every day of her life.

I carried her in my arms,

As she passed away from this life.

I have emptier arms now,

As she’s no longer here.

But she left my arms,

To be enveloped in His.

Now, I’ll fill my arms,

With those that she loved.

Until my arms surround,

Her once again.