Tag: emotions

The Christmas Story

stephaniemoorewrites

For Christmas, Lance and I got the boys nerf guns. We thought it’d be a fun thing for them to do in the winter months.

After we opened presents, we were all sitting around chatting and we started an impromptu nerf gun war.

It was fun.

For those few minutes I felt freely happy.

Not “put a smile on my face.”

Not hyphenated happy.

Freely happy.

Then I got shot in the eye.

As I laid there holding my eye, I thought, I’m not allowed to be freely happy anymore. That part of my life is obviously done.

If I feel freely happy then it’ll cause physical pain, mental pain, or emotional pain. It’s just not in the cards for me.

I was thinking about it more as I sat in the ER with my mom. Then throughout the rest of the day.

At the end of the night, the seven of us made goals of service and love that we can do throughout this year.

This is mine: to be freely happy with my family.

It’s not an easy goal because if I’m trying, then it’s putting a smile on my face.

Instead, I’m going to try in live in the moment more.

I’m going to put myself in more situations with them that I can let go. That I won’t feel so hyphenated. If only for a few minutes.

I want my boys to have more than a hyphenated mom.

I’m realistic. I don’t think I’ll experience it daily or weekly or probably even monthly. But experiencing it five times in 2019 will be more times than I experienced it this year.

That’s a win.

That’s starting to live a Rory life-loving life.

My Life is a Dichotomy

stephaniemoorewrites

Xander has been taking a ballroom dancing class the last few months and Saturday he performed.

His class was one of the last to perform.

As the other classes performed, I just tried to stay in control.

The last recital I went to was Rory’s. She performed two Christmas numbers.

As these sweet little girls performed their little hearts out, I missed my Rory.

Then Xander got up. He pushed past his fear. He had learned a lot.

And he did an amazing job!

I bawled!

I was so dang proud of him.

It feels like my life will never be whole. It will always be torn.

In one moment I’m feeling happiness and pride in my son. While feeling sadness and longing for her.

I don’t know if that will change.

But I’m grateful for every memory of her.

I’m grateful for my life even though it still ends a lot with tears.

Wish It Hadn’t Come to Me

stephaniemoorewrites

Our family has been watching Lord of the Rings to prepare for a LOTR Trivial Pursuit showdown.

When we were watching Fellowship, a couple of lines stuck out to me this time.

Frodo says, “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”

Gandalf says, “So do all who live to see such times. But it is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

I feel that. I say that. I wish. I really, really wish this had never happened to me. I wish she had never gotten sick. I wish she was still cuddled by my side.

But I have no power. It wasn’t my decision.

The power I have, the decision I GET to make is what I do now and for the rest of my life.

I feel this tug quite a bit. This pull of a rope attached to my back. Inching me toward anger, confusion, and despair.

There are times the pull knocks me off my feet and drags me along.

If I’m being completely honest, sometimes it feels easier to let go and skid across the ground. To allow my head to be clouded and my heart to harden.

But it’s not what I want.

So I dig my heels in. I flex my muscles and I do whatever I can to not move that way.

Because the other side of those emotions are love, peace, and hope.

These emotions, though harder to reach at times, don’t drag me. They lift me. They don’t pull me along. They carry me.

When I clear my head and allow myself to be carried by love, I feel closer to Rory.

She was and is love.

When I let go of questions, my why’s, and allow peace into my life, I feel the Spirit. I know I’m not forgotten. I get a reassurance that I’m going to be with her again.

Allowing me to taste the peace she has found.

When I can let go of the despair that tugs at me, hope lives. Hope thrives. Heavenly Father is hope. Jesus Christ is hope. When I focus on them, I feel hope.

I feel hope for her.

For me.

For us.

November

stephaniemoorewrites

November is supposed to be a month filled with gratitude. But the truth about this November was that I wished I could have stayed curled up in my bed.

But since I couldn’t.

So many friends and family members showed up with love. You have been flashlights in our darkness.

Each day this month, different members of our congregation shared a message of something they’re grateful for. It’s been great having visitors nightly. To be reminded of all the wonderful things we enjoy in the world.

Around the anniversary of Rory’s passing, we received messages of love. We were reminded that we’re not mourning alone. Reminded that there are many that love and remember our beautiful Rory.

Among other things, our neighbors tied ribbons around our house, their houses, and light poles. One of my most emotional times is when I’m driving alone. I cry frequently. When I pull into our neighborhood and see the ribbons, I feel like I’m getting a hug. I’m reminded of love and support.

This November, I’m so grateful for friends and family and love and support.